The most painful thing of my life is how I failed to make sure that my two oldest children felt truly loved. Sure, it’s easy to be so darn critical after the fact. And yes, I can say with absolute conviction that I did my best to love them. But in reality, it’s hard to rationalize the past when you still see and feel childhood pain seeping out of your adult children today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not berating myself. Nor am I taking full responsibility for all of their hurts. I am simply telling my truth as I see it today.
What I’ve come to believe is that the core of my children’s hurt stems from my inability to connect in an authentic way. Yes, I played the role of parent very well. I stayed the course. I ran the command center like most moms, reacting to whatever challenge presented itself but sadly, for me, this reaction was always tainted by fear’s fierce winter wind breathing down my neck. In time, fear dominated nearly every thought, emotion and comment I made. Fear became the basis from which I viewed the world. The more fear won the more my mind enjoyed feeding it. I became dominating and controlling. I manipulated to avoid whatever fear I was currently imagining. It was crazy in the making.
Sadly, it took being completely disconnected, depressed and numb before I realized that there were no more roles to play or masks to where. Life had become nothing more than responsibilities, obligations and attempts to survive an endless stream of obstacles. It appeared that fear had finally won. I had lost life’s magic.
It took a real brutally honest inventory to realize what blocked my love. Facing my reality wasn’t easy but it was necessary. More than anything, I came to understand that if I ever hope to heal the distance between me and my children I had to begin within me. I had to start at the foundation and work my way up and out. I had to find the connection to me again. So slowly, I began facing fear in everyday life. I began taking off the layers and exposing my vulnerability for the entire world to see. And you know what…it really is so much better now. I feel again. I see the world in colors that I could only see in my childhood. So in a strange sort of way, I feel as if this will all come full circle. My unveiling will become my children’s un-layering.
I now stand in my power living in faith and hope. Love, honesty and courage are my guides once again. And fear has returned to being my friend the guardsman. Now I use my magic of imaginings to create an environment that grows love more than it repels fear.