Left, Center & Right-Of-Passage (T.M.I. Alert! If offended easily, turn back!)

Here is the latest post from my blog "Mommy Lite." If you like it and want more tales from the mayhem that is my life, I hope you'll check out www.mommylite.blogspot.com.

WARNING: This entry is a little graphic, if you're easily offended, don't read on. However, if you lack all sense of decorum (which apparently I do), read on and laugh at my expense. :)

* * *
"LEFT, CENTER & RIGHT-OF-PASSAGE..."

Today I brought my daughters with me to get a Bikini Wax.

Don't worry, they didn't get one. I did.

It has been a LOOOOONG summer (har-har...) and I still have to play cruise director for another week. Since we've been home from New York we've been to every kid-friendly movie out there, to the beach, to every park in the city, to tons of museums and, to the mall. We've baked brownies, cookies, pasta, chicken soup, lasagna, enchiladas, and had a lemonade stand. I've braided my daughters' hair, challenged my son to Wii and even had our own petting zoo. Well I was running out of activities, running out of patience, and running out and over the edges of my Hanky Panky thong. I couldn't take my bestial existence for one more day so despite my lack of childcare, I made an appointment with my beautician and decided to take them with me. I figured a trip to Belladonna in Beverly Hills could just be another cultural activity. After all, waxing is a Jewish rite-of-passage.

I dropped my son off with a friend (for fear the experience would totally scar him) and took the girls to see Miheala (the woman who owns my wonderful place).

I explained to them, "Mommy needs to have her eyebrows done and get a bikini wax."

This intrigued my girls. They'd never even seen me in a bikini (which isn't surprising since I haven't worn one since before my twin pregnancy). Izzy asked, "What's a bikini wax?"

I'm a believer in using proper technical terminology and simple, clear descriptions of adult “behavior” so I said, "Well, it's when you take off all of the hair on your vagina that sticks out when you wear underwear or a bathing suit."

"Oh, mommy...I can see that happening to you." Livi said. I gave her a "thanks a lot" glare.

"What do they do to your eyebrows?" said Izzy.

"They make sure I have two.”

Satisfied I had laid the groundwork for this to be a casual, easy-going outing, we embarked for Belladonna.

Izzy asked "Can we come into the room with you?"

I froze. Which is hard to do when you don't want to look like you're freezing. I tried to remain calm, but inside I was freaking out. Would seeing some woman pouring hot wax on my vagina and peeling it off in hairy, waxy strips ruin them forever? Would it make puberty scarier? Would they ever respect me again? Not to mention, how do I explain WHY I was doing this. Would they buy that I just wanted to “feel clean.” This was all kind of horrifying. But I said, "Uh, sure...if you want to. It's totally up to you." I shrugged nonchalantly.

"I'm coming in!" Typical Livi.

"Do I have to?"

"No, Honey, you don't. It's not a big deal and it won't take very long.”

When we got there Izzy was mesmerized. “Oooo, it smells like smoothies.” Livi saw make-up on the coffee table and set up shop.

After Miheala kvelled over my children whom she had never met in the years I’d been going to her, I asked her “Do people ever bring their kids in? Is it okay to do that?”

“Absolutely. I have lots of clients whose kids have come in with them. It’s no big deal.” She told me about one client who watched her mom do a full waxing then climbed up on the table and said “My turn!” I personally think that if she waxed the girl it would have been a funnier story, but it was enough to make me feel comfortable.

She said “We’re going in…who’s coming!?”

Livi put down the sample make-up, ended the pretend phone call she was having on her fake phone, and jumped off the sofa. “Yay!”

“I’m stayin’ here!” said Izzy.

So Miheala, Livi and I went to get my bikini wax. Livi took the stool in the corner and I climbed, bottomless, onto the table. No big deal, right?

Livi was mesmerized. “Mama? They put the wax ALL OVER?!”, “Mama? Do you know Miheala can see your vagina?” “Mama? Does that hurt?”

I could see this was definitely going to provide an education.

“Yes, I know she can see my vagina. She’s like a doctor. She sees vagina’s all day.” I regretted that candid statement as soon as it came out of my mouth.”

“Miheala? Do you want to see vaginas all day?” Yup. I should have known better.

Halfway through, the door squeaked open and an eyeball peered through. “ACK!” Izzy screamed and slammed the door.

Livi decided to abandon her perch in the room and go out into the hall to give her big sister a detailed run-down of what she had seen. “Izzy, you know what she’s doing in there??...”

Two minutes later, they both peeked in, giggled and slammed the door.

“In or out girls.” I said to them.

They peeked in and giggled again. “OH NO! I don’t want to see this!” Izzy squawked again!

“In or out!”

A little pattern emerged…

Open door, giggle, slam!

“In or out!”

Open door, giggle slam.

“In or out!!!”

Open door, giggle, laugh, point…slam.

“IN OR OUT OR THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!

I realized it’s really hard to be taken seriously when you don’t have any pants on.

We finished the bikini wax and I invited both the girls to watch me wax my brows.

This occurred with much less hullabaloo. They ooed and ahhed over Miheala’s precise shaping and authoritative technique. They asked questions like “Could you take off her whole eyebrow? Would that hurt?” and “Would you do that now?” Thankfully, she didn’t.

When I was all cleaned and waxed we paid our bill.

Livi and Izzy commented on how I had red areas on my face and wanted to know how long it would be there and commented how it looked like I was wearing red eye shadow. I told them it would go away in an hour…unlike them.

I have to say, I think the trip was very successful. The girls didn’t fight once, they were amused, and they learned some very interesting and helpful things. Things they’ll need to know one day. Right? Okay, it wasn’t a trip to the Natural History Museum, but for sure it was a very educational experience.

Hmmm…I wonder what we should do tomorrow? Acupuncture?

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