Last week was one of those weeks that I think was tagged in our timeline of unforgettable weeks. Sometimes, you have a ‘hard’ week, and then there are the weeks that are more than hard. I am learning <the hard way> that you can’t control anything. As much as I’d like to have things handled, I have to accept that things can easily fall out of their rhythm. As a new mom, I think that you are always waiting for things to get better. I self talk a lot. I say “You just have to get through this part, then it will get better.” But, I’ve found myself saying this A LOT, and it seems that the root of it is my need to conquer the hard, and be awesome. I have unrealistic expectations surrounding what I can accomplish.
In the middle of my ugly cry tears, I realized that I carry a lot of guilt around. Bryant and I decided that I would stay at home with Kinsey. And while it is a job that I love, and feel incredibly blessed to do, I feel guilty if I am not awesome at it, all of the time. My tears were about the fact that Kinsey was not sleeping, and that I was so consumed with her that I felt like I was ignoring my marriage. It is easy to let your children consume you. It is even easier to wallow in your defeat. After about 5 days of perfect days, and perfect nights, and realizing that the answer to my problems was actually incredibly obvious (Kinsey is not a 3 month old baby anymore, and she isn’t going to sleep all night if I’m trying to make her sleep all day. I’m smart), I am still left guilt ridden, that everything went wrong to begin with. I am hard on myself. I always say that I have to give myself grace, but that is an incredibly hard thing to do.
I want to have a delicious dinner made for my husband. I want to have a clean house for him to come home to. I want to be finished with my school-work before he comes home, so that we can spend our evenings together. But, I have to realize that this perfect idea may not be achievable every single day. I am learning to celebrate the small things.