I can confess that there are days in my new, awesome life that I get a little down. I can't help it. I am human, after all. Most of the time I can look at my girls and see their shining eyes and beaming smiles and I snap out of it. But there are days when I want to curl up under the covers and never come out. Usually when they are with their dad.
It is not that I don't have things to do when they are gone. I do. I have work, my friends and my chores and my dog. All things I get to take care of interruption free. But everyone is so busy. And the majority of my friends are married or have kids or have significant others that they spend their free time with. So I do spend a lot of time alone.
I have considered dating and have even been out a few times. But, with my schedule I don't have time for a full fledged relationship - nor do I want one, to be honest - so the expectations fall short. Plus after watching my ex-husband introduce my kids to a new woman less than a few weeks after moving out of here and dealing with the backlash of him moving from our house to her house, I am incredibly protective of who I bring around them.
So dating is out.
The other day I was in one of these moods. But instead of laying down and taking it, I decided to think it through. What was this that had a hold on me if everything is going exactly like I want it to go right now? Why am I not swinging from the rafters every single day?
I don't think I am lonely. Yes, when my kids are gone, it is way too quiet. But I think loneliness is a universal word meant to describe feelings we don't know how to define otherwise. Like love.
I think I feel insignificant.
I feel like, in my daily life, that no one gives me a second thought. That I am unimportant to anyone on a general basis.
Don't get me wrong. I am loved by my parents and I have some of the best friends even known to man. My neighbors are my rocks and I am so incredibly blessed to have them. And my kids are my hugs and kisses and smiles and laughter every day.
But everyone is busier and busier these days and I don't really have anyone to worry about to me. Does that make sense?
I don't need someone to take care of me, per say, and I don't need daily adoration. I just think I need to feel important to someone sometimes. Feel like I matter.
In the middle of my deep thoughts by Lori Pace, my 4 year old came in, stood at my door, a pink dolphin in one hand, a baby doll with a colored face in the other, Snow White dress and mismatching heels proudly displayed on each foot. Out of nowhere, she said, "I love you, Mama." and off she clicked, mumbling something to her baby about lunch being ready.
And I snapped out of it.
Of COURSE I am significant! Every mother is! To the most important people in my life that need me to be the most.
I have daily adoration. I have daily love and affection. I have those surprise moments in the doorway to my bedroom that a person lives for.
I have everything a person could ever need and so very much more.
I have the unconditional love of three sweet girls that just want the sun to shine, their mother to smile and a lady bug ketchup bug next to their chicken nuggets.
I am significant and I always will be. Motherhood makes me Significant! And no one can take that truth away from me!
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