Being that I have been suffering from the lovely depressive side of Bipolar lately, I tend to get very emotional about the people I love. Especially: My husband or as I refer to him as my "Knight in Dirty Work Boots" being that he is a Plumber and all, work boots are his "armor." Unless you want to call all the pipes and tools and works with his armor, so be it.
Last night, once again I could not sleep, even though it feels like the only thing I want to do. I sat there staring at my husband sleeping, thanking God that I ended up with a man who can STAND me! I am a literally the most difficult person most days. He never knows who he is going to wake up with or who he is going to come home too. It has got to be a nightmare. Mind you, we started dating when he was 17 and I was 15. I was a hot mess even back then, cutting myself, attempting suicide, I was terribly violent and would hit him over the most ridiculous of things. Now my violence has mostly subsided, but has been replaced with much worse verbal abuse. I say things that are incredibly cruel and if someone said them to me I would probably jump off a cliff. I know the things that will trigger him and I say them so I can get my release.
Bipolar is truly a selfish disease. Even though I don't choose to be Bipolar and can't help these outbursts, it is horrifying that the only way I can get my release is to make my husband feel like a complete, incompetent failure. Fortunately, he has does a terrific job of tuning me out (even when I am not in a rage!) and uses that handy skill during this time. He always forgives me and never holds these venomous words against me. Thank God.
Many a times, I spend so much time feeling sorry for myself and hating myself for being this way and torturing my husband with this disease. Would he be better off with a "normal" wife? Yeah, definitely! Would he be completely sober? Umm, most likely! Would he be...Happier? For sure!
These questions and answers bombard my mind. I know he loves me, I know he is happy with me. But, part of me believes he puts up with it because I was his first love, first girlfriend, first everything. He was 17! It's a comfort thing. To be perfectly honest, we are genuinely in love. We have great conversations, we are incredibly close and comfortable with each other Our marriage for the last couple of years has grown stronger and we are the best we have ever been in one sense. But part of me still wonders if he would be better off with someone that doesn't cause him so much strife.
For right now I am just going to thank my lucky stars that I have been blessed with this incredible version of my "Knight in Shining armor." A lifetime is a long time and I hope he can put up with me that long. It is a hard thing to do to put yourself in someone else's shoes and empathize with what they must be going through and I cannot for a single second imagine dealing with what my husband has had to for the past 10 years has been remotely easy. I am very fortunate he has, and is. Praise Jesus for our Knights!
The Hubs & I para-sailing in 2010
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