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The MOST beautiful touching essay on being a mom!!

(you HAVE to read it!!). love, etel


If not for the photographs, I might have a hard time believing they ever existed.

The pensive infant with the swipe of dark bangs and the black

button eyes of a Raggedy Andy doll. The placid baby with the yellow

ringlets and the high piping voice. The sturdy toddler with the lower

lip that curled into an apostrophe above her chin. ALL MY BABIES are gone now. I say

this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three

almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same

books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in

their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me

laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy,

who want to keep their doors closed more than I like. Who, miraculously,

go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to

mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a

rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely

discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now.

Penelope Leach. T. Berry Brazelton. Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling

rivalry and sleeping through the night and early childhood education, all grown

obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they

are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the

pages dust would rise like memories.


What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the

playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations --what they taught me was that

they couldn't really teach me very much at all.

Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then

becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an

endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to

positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a

timeout. One boy is toilet trained at 3, his brother at 2. When my first

child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so

that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived,

babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death

syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying,

and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually

the research will follow.




How silly it all seems now, the obsessing about language acquisition and

physical milestones, the riding the waves of normal, gifted,

hyperactive, all those labels that reduced individuality to a series of cubbyholes.

But I could not help myself. I had watched my mother casually raise five

children born over 10 years, but by watching her I intuitively knew that

I was engaged in the greatest and potentially most catastrophic task of my

life. I knew that there were mothers who had worried with good reason,

that there were children who would have great challenges to meet. We

were lucky; ours were not among them. Nothing horrible or astonishing

happened: there was hernia surgery, some stitches, a broken arm and a fuchsia cast

to go with it. Mostly ours were the ordinary everyday terrors and

miracles of raising a child, and our children's challenges the old familiar ones

of learning to live as themselves in the world. The trick was to get past

my fears, my ego and my inadequacies to help them do that.

I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful

books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of

infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet

codicil for an 18-month-old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his

fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind?

Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last

year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine.

He can walk, too.


Every part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes

were made. They have all been enshrined in the Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of

Fame. The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not

theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late

for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The

day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on

her geography test, and I responded, What did you get wrong? (She insisted I

include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through

speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They

all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons

for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?


But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while

doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear

now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one

picture of the three of them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the

shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could

remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded,

and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in

such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I

had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.

Even today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and

what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday

they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect

they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a

thousand ways that I back off and let them be. 



The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-o-fact and I

was sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up

with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than

anyone to excavate my essential humanity. That's what the books never

told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took

me a while to figure out who the experts were.


by Anna Quindlen

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