Online Dating Turns into a Leap of Faith Called a One-Way Ticket

My friend Dan’s nervous ex-wife, Helen Who Hates Me, asked me for a ride to the airport. If you look up desperate in the dictionary, you will see this example of the proper use of the word: Helen was so desperate for a ride to the airport, she called a friend of her ex-husband whom she hates. It depends on the dictionary. I bet Helen has that very edition and needed to look up the spelling of desperate for an article she was writing, and like a horoscope, or a quote on the tag of a tea bag, that uncannily fits the situation at hand, she solves the transportation to the airport dilemma. The solution was found in, of all places, the dictionary. On the exact page to which she turned, no less. Providence.

Speaking of providence, after much online trolling, Helen scores a man who lives in Nebraska in a one-bedroom flat who will marry her, just after she drops off her belongings with family. Her belongings include her beloved 12-year old daughter and her loyal dog, her car and cats. She will leave all of the furniture with the last guy she met online. Since they belong to him. Helen will arrive in Nebraska by plane with nothing but the clothes in her suitcase and the oversized computer in a brown paper grocery bag. Carry-on.

We know how well brown paper bags hold up just from the cart to the trunk. Can they hold up through airport security after they reduce the computer to a pile of parts to find a bomb? Helen hasn’t thought about this. Her mind is unable to imagine that someone would touch her computer with a screwdriver. It’s her computer! Maybe they’d take it out of the bag to verify that it is indeed a computer. She is worried only about the bag ripping if they don’t remove or slide it back in with proper care. They would tape it if they...[only continue HERE if you need a laugh]

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