I was pregnant for the First time. It was very early in our marriage and we were not quite prepared, yet like any first timer there was a gush of excitement running through me. I wondered whether the baby was a boy or a girl, and dreamed about what my child would look like. We had been to the doctors and knew for certain that we were 6 weeks pregnant. The next night I woke up in discomfort to discover bright red stains. I knew it shouldn’t have been there. My heart was racing, my stomach tightened and my neck burned. I had lost my first baby, my biggest dream and my ticket to entry into motherhood. The doctors verdict: spontaneous miscarriage. My body recovered almost immediately, however my spirit writhed during the months that followed. I chose not to expose the enormous void in my life i was facing and put on a confident front to take on life again. Within me I fought the biggest battle. I had not yet found complete healing in my heart.
Three years later i discovered i was pregnant again. The cycle of excitement and expectations followed. It was not long before I discovered at 7 weeks i had lost the baby to this prey of ‘SPONTANEOUS MISCARRIAGE’, yet again. This time around i was a wreak emotionally. It hit me like a hurricane. All I could do was cry. It took me longer to get over the feeling. It was the worst phase in my life. Within me I was still struggling and trying to hold on.
Believe it or not a few months down the road, there I was at the doctors confirming my third pregnancy. This time, it was different. I chose not to get too excited and I chose to take it one step at a time. I chose not to announce it and to take things as it comes. Third time lucky they say, but not in my case. At 9 weeks I lost my third baby. We ran many test to determine what was causing this unnatural phenomenon in my body. Doctors were lost for words and test came back stating my body was completely normal to conceive, sustain and bring forth a baby into this world. I questioned what was going on. I did not know what to feel anymore and was numb all over. I was disappointed with God. I could feel the cloud of depression hovering around me and ready to swallow me. I was at a stage I would give anything, pay any price for the opportunity to become a mom. It was at that moment that a friend handed me a book by Jackie Maize called ‘Supernatural Childbirth’. Reading it was a transformational experience for me. I decided to give God another chance. I was girded up in my sprit to see my miracle. I chose not to be disappointed and complain but to be joyful and praise. It was a decision I had to take, no one could take it on behalf of me. I found courage to gather my Faith with God’s help. There was peace beyond any I’d ever known. I walked out of my low into my victory.
Today I have a thankful heart and arms that holds 3 precious children. I know the pain of loosing 3 and the joys of being rewarded with 3. Today I understand more than ever that children are a gift and I have a great responsibility in stewarding them. One thing I’ve learned is that life will sometimes throw its challenges and there maybe questions which seem to have no answers, but as long as i remain open to God he’ll continue rebuilding my heart. Do not ever allow your spirit to sink deep enough to let it drown and for your mind to be exposed enough for the cloud of depression to swallow you away. Instead lift your heart and place it before God to gather each piece and to mend the broken. Help and hope is just a whisper away.