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Mother of the Bride Guide

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My husband has his performance review today. We hope it is good and that the fact that he is actively being "shopped" by two other companies will be reflected in his results. As I anxiously await the phone call telling me how much extra I will have to blow on something we probably don't need, I am curious as to what my performance review would be.

I won't ever, in my lifetime, ask my husband to actually give me one because, let's face it, no matter how well I am really doing, there will always be something that he will find to garner him more... ahem... action, we'll say. So that is just setting me up for extra chores. And my plate is pretty full as it is.

So, in the interest of fairness, I have decided to give myself a review!

On the issue of attendance, I'd give myself a 10. I am never tardy and never - physically - absent. I realize that I really can't be, with my job being to stay at home and raise my family, but still. I could go running for the hills or lock my door and let me children fend for themselves all day. But I don't. I am here. If not in spirit every day, at least in presence.

I'd say I garner multiple ratings on housework. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I get a 10. Those are my days when I don't have to leave the house and, assuming my kids have not decided to be complete heathens, can get a lot done. Of course, the weather has to be good so that I can throw them outside. On rainy days I'd get a 5. Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's, my kids have school. It takes all of my energy to get them up and going so housework falls to the wayside. Saturday's and Sunday's, I get a 1. But so does my husband so at least I am in good company. Anyway, taking all of this into consideration... I get a 10. Because I am reviewing myself and feel I deserve it.

Laundry - well - I'd say a 7? I do it. Begrudgingly. Slowly. I leave it stacked on the couch, just feet from its proper place. I try to outsource it to my kids, always a bad idea, and my husband, an even worse idea. I try to hide it by throwing the unfolded baskets in the closets when friends visit. But I get a 7 because it does, eventually, get done. And that garners me major points!

My conduct score is variable. I have my good days. The days I smile a lot, dance with my kids, hug and kiss them just for fun and post a positive, loving blog post. But there are the days that I just - well - suck. I spend too much time on the computer and not enough time on my kids. Too much time telling my kids to 'hold on' and not enough holding them. I complain, I wish I didn't have to do it, and I am none to pleasant to be around. Usually after a night of little sleep, a week of little breaks, and very few showers!

Overall, however, I'd say my sense of humor gets me through and makes up for those bad days. So I give myself an 8. You think there is bias? Take it up with my reviewer!

As far as the rest of my jobs, well, there are just too many to list. No review should ever last that long!

As an employee of my husband and children, I'd say I get a solid, overall 8. There is always room for improvement but I am still pretty damned good at it.

Now, give me my raise!

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