ADVERTISEMENT

To say that I was nonplussed to read “Montgomery County Prison Work Release Unit” on the side of a van pulling onto my path during a recent trail run might be an understatement.
‘Here I am, trying to enjoy my own work release – a release from my kids,’ I thought. ‘And you’re telling me I have to do it alongside a pack of skinheads and pimps?’
As I ran past the prisoners firing up their weed whackers and leaf blowers, I wondered if these were the “shake and bakers” who’d been arrested the previous week for cooking meth in local hotel rooms.
I spied a young girl, maybe 4, pedaling her pink bicycle toward the presumed felons. The girl’s father, occupied on his iPhone, trailed far behind. ‘Should I warn him?’ I wondered – and didn’t.
Instead, I continued my productive, interior whine. ‘Why doesn’t the county just post signs directing every jackhole straight to the back-trail entry to our neighborhood so that my house can be the next big B and E?’
Then it dawned on me. ‘That’s it!’ I thought. ‘Get these guys to my house!’
The last time I did any yard work was about a month-and-a-half ago. I was punished for my efforts with a pestilent case of poison ivy that required two doctor visits and 21 steroid pills to keep it from spreading to my eyes. So I started wondering if I could get my local department of corrections to expand their definition of “work release” to include community hours in my backyard.
To research this possibility, I dashed home, logged onto the prison’s website, and quickly became distracted by the list of “allowable items” for inmates, which I will now recount for you. (I should note that the syntax and punctuation is the county’s own.):
  • ONE BELT
  • TWO PAIR OF PAJAMAS
  • ONE ROBE
  • ONE SWEAT SHIRT (FOR EXERCISE)
  • TWO GYM SHORTS
  • ONE PAIR OF SWEAT PANTS (FOR EXERCISE)
  • ONE HAT
  • ONE PAIR GLOVES (SEASONAL OR WORK)
  • ONE JACKET (SEASONAL)
  • ONE PAIR OF SNEAKERS
  • ONE PAIR OF WORK BOOTS OR SHOES
  • ONE PAIR OF SHOWER SHOES
  • ONE HAIR DRYER; CURLING IRON
  • COSMETIC ITEMS/PERSONAL HYGIENE ITEMS (KEEPING WITH THE EXISTING COMMISARY LIST.)
  • ELECTRIC SHAVER
  • ALARM CLOCK(SMALL)
  • TWO PERSONAL TOWELS (NON WHITE)
  • TWO PAIR OF THERMALS (MARKED)
  • FIVE SETS OF WORK CLOTHES ONLY
  • TEN PAIR OF UNDERWEAR (MARKED)
  • TEN PAIR OF SOCKS (MARKED)
  • TEN UNDERSHIRTS (MARKED)

I mean, this is more gear than Outward Bound let me bring on a 28-day canoe trip in the boundary waters between Minnesota and Canada when I was 16. These prisoners are sporting more clothes than my three kids own, combined.
I’m not sure where all of this left me, except to find out that, according to the website, these well-heeled felons are not allowed to “partake of any intoxicating liquors, including beer or drugs/medications while on furlough.” Furlough?
Nor are they allowed to “frequent any establishment that serves alcoholic beverages.”
So I’ve decided that the next time I arrange my own prison break, I’ll skip the run and hit the bars instead.

Views: 11

Comment

You need to be a member of Mom Bloggers Club to add comments!

Join Mom Bloggers Club

Our Latest Food, Travel & Lifestyle Posts

Why It’s Important to Hire a Carpet Cleaning Company

One of the healthiest things you can do for your family is to make sure your carpets are consistently cleaned. Not only does it make for an aesthetically pleasing environment it also ensures that your carpets are hygienic especially if you have pets that shed often and a revolving door of visitors.…

OUR DAILY PINS

Latest Activity

Lauren Kinghorn left a comment for Shelby Stover
27 minutes ago
Wanda Jefferson posted a status
28 minutes ago
Wanda Jefferson posted a video

ChickaChicka123 by Bill Martin Jr & Michael Sampson Illustrated by Lois Ehlert Narrated by Ronald Jr

He was the reader today for his kindergarten, class so he did his own video for all. That twist in his words sounds so cute and so much like Ronald Sr. It's ...
3 hours ago
iveth replied to Mercedes Sherman's discussion 'Linky Parties!'
7 hours ago
iveth liked Mercedes Sherman's discussion Linky Parties!
7 hours ago
iveth liked Maria Foy's profile
7 hours ago
iveth commented on Golda Smith's group 'I LOVE Wordpress'
8 hours ago
iveth joined Golda Smith's group
8 hours ago

Advertisement

© 2016   Created by Mom Bloggers Club.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service