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I am in this cycle of forgetting and then remembering that I’m under renovation. My brain and my heart are waging a constant battle against each other and it’s been painful to acknowledge. I’ve been playing the “you can’t/won’t do it” tape (yes, tape – I’m not that young) for so long that even though I’ve pressed “Stop” I hear it. Over and over.

I joined House of Fitness LA last week. Although I love myself, I would really like to be proud of what I look like. On the beach. In a bikini tankini. So, as part of the renovation, I joined this awesome gym because working out makes me feel good and will help me lose weight. I had a great workout with Shaun Grant and felt excited about the direction my life is headed in. Afterwards, I had what should have been an enjoyable and fortifying business lunch. Can you tell where this is going?

The “you can’t/won’t do it” tape started playing and the worst part is that I am the one who turned it on. My soon to be business partner and I were going over our plans (we’re offering in home cooking lessons!) and discussing ideas when I began to resist. Everything. She. Said. I imagine it was painful to watch because it was painful to do. We can’t start that soon! What about January? How much is it going to cost to start? And then threw out a crazy, too-high number that I knew I couldn’t afford and therefore would have to say no to. At an impasse, we decided to find out if the inside of the restaurant we were meeting at was as gorgeous as the patio and that break gave me time to mentally regroup.

While sampling and then purchasing the most delicious vegan ice cream I’ve ever had (Ok the first vegan ice cream I’ve had) I decided to forgive myself and move on. I remembered that I’m under renovation and made the choice to stop holding myself back. I admitted that I was nervous but agreed that we could plan to start offering classes in (gulp!) late October and apologized to myself and to her for letting my fear get the best of me.

Alone in my car, it was difficult to admit that I am so used to throwing up roadblocks to hold myself back that I slip into doing it without even thinking. As I was tapping into my internal reserve of negativity and self-shaming it dawned on me. I’m not comfortable doing that anymore and that’s why I caught myself. Score one for me! Yes, it’s going to take awhile to banish can’t/won’t from my psyche but I’m on the right track. I’m not that person anymore because I don’t want to be. The renovation is working!

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