I was looking out the window, there was a cloud, it hung low and funny, like a cartoon version of itself. It hung higher than the pear tree, but lower than the pines behind it. It hung near like the blobs you see that they put the words into in drawings; but it wasn't saying anything. Maybe it was just too far to make it out.
Or maybe it was one of those blobs they put words into, so close to the pear tree. Maybe I just cannot read 'tree'. After a month long drought, maybe the tree says,
It's funny, so much of what we think, we don't say. Maybe we say ten percent, maybe its one. And then maybe 95% of what we do say is filler to avoid saying anything important. Maybe most of the stuff spoken is not connected to much thought at all, but mindless chatter to avoid letting people into what we think. That's probably a good thing.
When the old astro van pulled in front of me, my kids didn't hear me say,
"Raggedy **s Van" or "Nasty ****ers". They might have heard, "Yikes..."
But I thought both of the two previous things, perhaps a wee bit more. (There's really a small margin between the sinister and the compassionate.)
You don't end up in too much trouble of you talk about the weather, or food, or gas mileage. Gardening.
Anything too far beyond that, I choose to just write it down. It's sort of a thought cleansing process that everyone should try. What's on your mind, how did you arrive at that, where does it take you. Because you can start out with one thing and end up somewhere you weren't planning to go.
Today I was running on the treadmill, playing Ray Charles, and I ended up crying and running, and running 20 minutes longer than I'd planned, just because the thought I'd started with took me somewhere else. And the thought was
I only say a tiny bit of what I think. What am I saying when I talk so much?
and that turned into
People make me nervous because I feel I have to earn their approval;
& that makes me exhausted trying to work so hard at it.
Thankfully, the mail truck honked the horn, delivering the roses I'd ordered for fall. I'm glad it's raining, hole digging will be easier. But after purging my mental state in my little blogs and emails, I feel better. The cloud out there- real; hovering 20 feet off the ground. Maybe the fog that was on my head when I was running. Who knows?
Here's to random chatter. May you never tire of mine :)
The girlies have a week off! I should go look up what fun things we could do.