The other day we took Birdie and Bubba with us to the Y so that Howie and I could attend a circuit training class. We dropped them off at an evening program that they offer for kids five and over.
There was just one hitch: Bubba is only 4.
I knew he would be fine. He listens to directions, he doesn't hit or use bad language, he cleans up after himself and since he's nearly six feet tall, nobody would question his age. Plus, I knew that he would follow their rules to the T but I felt sorta funny about lying.
I knew Birdie would out him so I told her, "if they ask how old your brother is, we are going to say he's five." I know, teaching her how to lie is not the greatest idea. I'm setting a bad example. And I just know this is going to come back to bite me in the ass...and not a little nibble, more like a piranha-like attack that will shred my ass into shards of fleshy assness.
But I pressed on.
Me: "He's almost five (in like10 months) and he will be fine. Just don't say anything."
Birdie: "But what if they ask me?"
Me: "I'll take care of it. Don't say anything."
Me: "Say nothing. Nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G."
We went to the Y and all the way there I reminded her to keep her thoughts to herself and say nothing. Then we went into the building and just as we were about to enter the kid's area I reminded her again. "What do we say? Nothing!"
I signed them in and they were both standing beside me when the guy asked me the dreaded question:
Guy: "Is he five?"
Me: "Um, yeah."
Birdie: "No he's not. He's four."
Me: *charming smile* "He just had a birthday."
Birdie: "His FOURTH birthday!"
Me: *giving Birdie the stink eye and then turning to the guy* "She's confused."
Birdie: "I'm not confused. His birthday is December 15th and he just turned four...on December 15th."
Me: *laughing nervously* "He's five."
At this point the guy looked away momentarily and when he did I took advantage of that moment to thump Birdie on the head and say (between my teeth), "do you not remember ANYTHING I said to you? SHUT IT!"
That little punk totally tried to throw me under the bus! I'm just gonna have to store this little tidbit in the mommy memory vault. And someday when she least expects it I am going to summon the kind of embarrassing honesty that only a mother can unleash. I will bide my time and do it at the perfect moment. Like when her first boyfriend comes to pick her up for the first time and I tell him that she'll be down in a minute...when she's done changing her tampon!