Last night I was invited to a birthday party of a girl I know. The invite read "another year of being in denial". Considering that she is around 40 the use of the word girl on my part is my own form of denial. While there, I ran into another friend and we chatted and she said that she had been thinking that this year she was turning 40 and maybe it was time to really consider single motherhood. Just then, she got an email from me announcing my new business and website and she saw it as a sign that she was going in the right direction.
I feel that my entire life has been a practice in sign reading. From a young age, we learned bible stories, the snake and Eve, Moses and the burning bush. We were indoctrinated on signs. I was always so sure that the "sign" precipitated an event or a major decision, and maybe it did. In retrospect, I feel like the signs were a way for me to give up control of my power to choose and be responsible for the decisions I make… it allowed me to stay a girl, even at 40 +++.
Today, I feel like an adult. There are things about it I hate. I look in the mirror and I see wrinkles. I have to color my hair every 4 weeks. I remember as a "girl" in my thirties meeting up with a friend of mine in her forties and seeing her hands and thinking "she has old looking hands". Now my hands look like that. I don’t see the girl I was. I see a grown woman.
I won't wear a mini skirt anymore and I even wonder if I'm at an age where a bikini is a little too much. When I get dressed to go out, the clothes are different than before. Don’t get me wrong, I hardly look like some dowdy middle aged woman and I haven’t given up on my womanliness or sexuality; I don’t look my age and I am young at heart; just not as young as before. However, I am aware that somewhere between the last relationship, the first fertility treatment, and the twins being born I became an adult. It is scary to be grown up. It is terrifying to realize you are responsible for other people. It is also exciting and satisfying. At some point in the last three years I became aware that I am in control of my life and my destiny and that signs are for the undecided.