Dashiell is almost ten months and not sleeping through the night. Not even close. Last night he was up three times. Usually he's up 2-3 times and I nurse him to sleep and I'm back in bad in twenty minutes.


This is completely intentional and I was reminded yesterday as to why.


I picked him up from daycare and as soon as I walked through the door he fell on his butt and started crying. I ran over to him and swooped him up and gave him kisses galore.


Then he reached his arms out to his teacher.


I won't lie and say this didn't bother me. It did. If this wasn't my second child I probably would have driven home in tears.


I told myself that this was a good thing. He is happy there. He spends a lot of time there and this particular teacher is wonderful and kind and loving. We spend a lot of money to give our children the best possible care.


I also told myself that she's not there at midnight to hold him when he cries, I am.


She's not there at 3AM to rub his belly when he has gas, I am.


She can't nurse him to sleep, I can.


I'm not ready to give that up. I would miss stumbling down the hall and swooping him up out of his crib and comforting him.


I don't get to do that during the day, she does. I get him all night and I'm not about to let that go. Especially when I saw him reach out to another woman.


I should say I have very strong feelings about "crying it out" and teaching your child to soothe himself. I don't think it needs to happen in the first year. When my babies cry, I go to them. I did the same with Annabelle and I don't regret it at all.


I would have regretted the torment of letting her cry when there was something I could have done to stop it. I would have regretted missing out on those middle of the night feedings because it was what I thought I needed or should have done.


I have a couple of months until I will start weaning. Just a couple more months of pumping in the bathroom at work. After that I know he won't get up as much and eventually not at all. I know I'll miss it.


One day he won't need me at all.

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