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storkparkingStork parking was an exciting thing when my husband and I first found out we were pregnant. We couldn't wait to go to Babies R Us to finally park in the coveted "Stork Parking" spots. Granted, we first parked in it a few days after we found out we we're pregnant and I was only about 5 weeks along but fast forward 7 months later and I have realized what a difference a close parking spot makes. Stork parking is no longer a novelty, but a necessity. When you're pregnant, a cool 70 degrees outside to a normal person is 90 degrees to a pregnant woman. When it's 90 degrees outside to a "normie", it's 120 degrees to me. I can see the entrance to the grocery store from my middle of the lot parking spot. It looks like it's a mile away. I sit in my car for a minute extra and crank the A/C up on high hoping to cool myself enough to last for the walk ahead. I shut the car off, open the door and swing my legs and extra 40 lbs into the great outdoors. As my legs break through the shade, they are greeted by the sunlight and I can feel the sweat beads starting to form.

The first 50 feet is an interpretive dance of sorts as I battle gravity and my center of balance. Gravity wants to take me down and my center of balance wants to take me in every other direction. My back is in no mood to dance and it shows its displeasure with shooting pains. My swollen feet do not have the same capabilities as they did back in dance team in High School and behave more like I am walking on two potatoes. Did I mention I feel nauseous and I'm sweating? You may be thinking to yourself, it's winter time and it's not that hot. Let me counter that with it was 40 degrees today and I begged my husband to open the windows. When you're pregnant, it doesn't matter what the thermometer says, it's always at least 80 degrees to me.

After I have reclaimed by balance from the clutches of evil (gravity, balance, pains, nausea and potato feet), I now begin the waddle. It's almost as if I'm trudging through snow. My arms are further away from my side than normal and I extend their reach to and fro. As I swing one arm back as if I'm reaching for the baton on the last leg of a relay race, that extra distance helps to continue to propel me in a forward motion. The waddle never completely goes away but once I get in a good rhythm and have plenty of forward motion, I can relax a bit. Oh look, I'm halfway to the door, also known as the point of no return. The best part about going into a store is when you first walk through the door and you get that wonderful blast of air conditioning. I could stand there all day (if I were able to stand longer than 20 minutes without my body thinking about crumbling to the floor). Now in the winter time, air conditioning is replaced with heat. A Normie may enjoy the nice blast of warm air as they enter the door but as a pregnant woman, I strongly encourage stores to keep the air conditioning flowing! I just walked a half a mile from your parking lot, battled all of the aforementioned elements and my shirt is stuck to my back from all the sweat. I don't want more heat! The Normies can just suck it up and put on some mittens if their hands are cold. What if you are pregnant with your 2nd or 3rd child? You are allowed to multiply your discomfort by the number of children you have. You have to deal with all of the above while dealing your children. It would be enough to drive a person to drink, if you could but you can't!

I live in a city of about 100,000 people and I can count the number of stork parking spots on one hand, 5. Babies R Us and JC Penney are the only places with stork parking.

If I ruled the world, I would envoke the following law: If you are a business that sells baby products, maternity products, groceries, or any restaurant that serves any of the foods that pregnant women may crave, you will have stork parking.

In order to prevent abuse of stork parking, you must keep with you and be able to present at anytime an ultrasound picture that is dated within the past 6 months. You get one at 9 weeks and 20 weeks so this should not be a problem. If you cannot present evidence that you are indeed pregnant, your car will be immediately towed from the stork parking spot and crushed by Robosaurus. That will teach you to illegally park in a spot reserved for pregnant women.

click for video
Click the image for video

If you are a man and you park in stork parking (even if you are running an errand for your pregnant wife) Robosaurus will still eat your car and you will be clubbed because your wife should have raised you better than that!

I know that a pregnant woman could talk to her doctor and get a temporary handicapped parking sticker but my pregnancy is not a handicap. I'm proud of my pregnancy and I want to celebrate it at every moment but it does come with it's inconveniences and it does make life more difficult at times. Rather I would like for all businesses to appreciate the pregnant women, recognize our importance and what we do for them and reward us for our hard work in a little, but oh so helpful way. Give us more Stork Parking! I'm looking at you Wal-Mart and Target!

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