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The 8 Month Wedgie: How Pregnancy Ate My Underwear

Original Posting at NewlyParents.com here

grannypantiesIt doesn't matter how cute of a pregnant person your friends and family (or the occasional random stranger) say you are, at some point there will be no words that can change the fact that you feel like a giant blob. (Insert Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory scene where Violet eats the 3 course meal gum. "You're turning violet, Violet!")

Unfortunately as you morph into this blob your clothes do not morph with you. In fact, it seems they shrink. You try, oh boy do you try, to stay in your "regular" clothes for as long as you can and you seem to be oblivious to the fact that your clothes are becoming more and more uncomfortable with every passing day. What becomes most uncomfortable is your underwear. As painful as it may be, you have to buy new underwear. Bigger underwear.

At month three I found myself standing in the underwear aisle at the store. It was official. My ass was growing and my underwear could no longer contain it. It had become a black hole that would consume any bit of underwear that would come close to it. When I sat down, wedgie. When I stood up, wedgie. Take a step, bend, squat and any other position you can think of that a pregnant woman would find herself in, wedgie. When I would wear my pajama pants, the black hole would suck those in too. Double wedgie! There's only one way to get rid of a wedgie and no matter what my husband says, you cannot "walk out of it". By theway Husband, you look ridiculous when you try to "walk" out of a wedgie. Everyone can tell what you are doing so you might as well just reach in and pull it out.

The best advice I can offer is to do the exact opposite of what I did. It will save you a lot of heartache. Trying to salvage any self esteem I had about my body, I decided to go up one size.

"Ok, I can handle going up one size." I told myself.

That was a stupid thing to do and I continued to do it one size at a time for the next five months until I had painfully stepped up four sizes. I was also trying to maintain a certain level of "cuteness" factor with my undies. In reality what I was really doing was just giving my ass more fabric to turn into a wedgie. Every pair of cute painties I bought (in every size) ended up in a wedgie. G-Strings were like putting a rubber band around a bread roll and every other pair of undies just ended up turning into a really uncomfortable g-string.

Finally, eight months later, I caved. I couldn't take another day of wedgies and panties that felt like I was spilling out off. So I closed my eyes and bought them....granny panties.

WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS 8 MONTHS AGO?! It's like my ass is being hugged by a big fluffy cloud all a day long! Good bye wedgies, hello comfort! I was so happy with my granny panties that I felt like doing a dance. So happy in fact that I'm going to buy more. (Ignoring the four day rule my husband says underwear have. Wear them forwards, then backwards, then flip them inside out and repeat = four days. Gross.)

So when that dreaded day comes and you realize you need bigger underwear just skip all the B.S. and go for the granny panties. You're not going to look sexy but when you're pregnant comfort trumps sexy any day.

You will thank me later and you're welcome.

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