Original Posting at NewlyParents.com
It's a battle that is fought every night by every couple in the world on some level. Some battles are more fierce than others. Some end in bloodshed while others end in complete tyrannical takeover. The people that used to occupy a space are ousted from their homes and forced to seek refuge somewhere else (usually the couch). Adding a twist at the end, these are battles that are most often won by women.
Every night, after the sun has fallen and the moon has taken it's rightful place in the sky, the combatants begin their nightly war rituals in an effort to please the gods that rule over the bedroom. The Husband makes his nightly patrol through the house to make sure the doors are locked and the lights are off. The Wife takes seat in her palace, the bathroom, not to don her war paint but rather to take it off. Perhaps as an act of reverse psycology to intimidate her foe, the Husband, the Wife knows that the streaks of anger are greatly magnified without make up.
The Husband returns from his patrol assured his palace is safe from intruders and no one will interfere with his slumber. He disrobes, down to his underwear, and ensures he is in proper condition for the battle by examining himself in the dresser mirror. Satisfied that he is a worthy adversary, he pulls back the covers, climbs into bed and assumes his fighting stance. The Husband is ready for battle.
The Wife is more patient. She takes her time in the bathroom. She focuses on the finer attributes for battle and becomes a more streamlined warrior. Her face is washed, eye brows are plucked and her skin is moisturized. Now she is ready for battle. She knows that when she opens the bathroom door the battle will begin. She glances once more in the mirror and before turning the handle and walking back into the bedroom. It begins.
"Oh no Husband! Get on your side of the bed!" she roars.
The Husband defends his claim. "I am on my side! My side is from here to here." He motions from the middle of the bed to the edge of the bed on right side.
The Wife has an advantage on her side. She is pregnant and she is not afraid to use it early in the battle. To go along with her pregnancy she has a full body pillow which always finds itself crossing the invisible border in the middle of the bed.
The Husband continues, "We both have the same amount of room but your body pillow takes up part of your space."
The Wife is not hearing what she wants to hear. "I want my side AND the body pillow!"
"Then you'll have all of your side and half of my side! Half my body is hanging off the bed." he shouts.
It's at this point where the Wife decides that talking is not going to get what she wants and it's time to go to battle. Her attack is two fold. She switches off the lights, grabs the sheets and throws them to the edge of the bed. The Husband is caught off guard. Blinded by the darkness he sits up to find the sheets and while doing so the Wife makes her move. By the time the husband has found the blankets he lays back down only to find the Wife invading his space. She knees him back to keep him at bay. He retaliates by thrusting his butt back at her. Undeterred, she juts her arm under his pillow.
The Husband is annoyed but he knows the Wife's weakness. He puts his hand on her leg.
"It's hot in here! Don't touch me!" she yells as she throws his hand off of her. He repositions it on her back.
"It's too hot in here! Go back over to your side!" she yells again. This time she throws his hand off and with one swift movement swipes towards his nether regions. Just as the Husband knows the Wife's weakness, she knows his weakness as well.
The Husband finally backs down and gives the Wife the victory for the night. He cowers back to his sliver of the bed, arms and legs hanging off the side. The Wife will sleep peacefully tonight and will awake cheery in the morning. The Husband will have minimal sleep and will awake grouchy with a stiff neck.
The two will live peacefully together throughout the day only to resume the battle again at night. The Husband never wins, nor does he expect to. He can be king of the castle but he'll never be king of a queen sized bed.
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