Cultivate Theme

Right after my daughter was born, I blogged (on my family blog) on how big 2 year old son looked to me, comparatively. Then one night, right after his shower, he came to the living room in his (too big 3T size) footed pajamas. With his back facing me, he walked away towards the kitchen and there it hit me - how tiny he still looked. He was so small to me in that instant. My heart melted. And unlike his usual bedtime routine as of late, he stayed remarkably quiet. I had to check on him a few times just to make sure he was breathing. And, of course, snuggle a bit and tell him how much I love him and was proud of him.
Sometimes (okay, all the time even though I don't) I just want to hold him and make him feel that I love him as much as I do. Does he know I love him? I mean really know? I am constantly on his case and telling him "no" and reprimanding him these days. No this, don't do that, time out, etc. I just feel like the grumpy mother. He hardly gets attention from me and he is desperately trying anything he can to try to get some attention (both in negative and positive ways). I feel awful every moment of the day. I could just cry every night (and do sometimes). He deserves so much more than I am able to give him right now.
Moms of multiple kids, how do you do it? How can you divide yourself into two?
My poor son. He's such a trooper ALL day long, everyday. I wish I could play more with him, take him to more places just for him, hg him more, do everything more. Does every new mom of 2 kids feel this way or is it just me?
I will never forget 10 days ago when he was really feeling left out and sadly (with a frown) said (and things have gotten so much better since then), "I'm a bad boy and you don't love me." It broke my heart. It wasn't a good day. It still burns in my ears. That poor child. Since then he has said that I'm "a pretty awesome mom," though, so it made up for some of it. But not all of it. What can you do when you have two that are both high-needs? He's even resorted to his cries sounding just like the baby's cries to get attention. And he is so good to his sister all the time. I complain because he smothers her with too much love, when most toddlers are hitting their siblings and not sharing. He shares everything he has with her and all he wants to do all day long is kiss, hold, and hug her.
I feel so grouchy as a mom. I feel like I am not giving the baby enough of me, the attention I was able to give my son as a baby. Will this baby learn as much as my son learned and as fast? Will she know the love I feel for her as my son once knew long ago? Will my son remember his time with me before I was so grouchy or will I just be the perpetually grumpy mother to him from now on? Is it permanently etched into his brain? I sure hope not.

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