My girls are almost three. I cannot quite pinpoint when, but sometime in the last few weeks, a mean elephant has taken up residence in our home. He is generally anywhere that is not attached to me. I have yet to see him but I hear about him quite often. He lurks in the hallways, the room I ask them to go to without me, the stairwell if I am not holding their hand or carrying them. In short, he is very mean and terrifying and I am the only thing that seems to give them comfort….or its simply a manipulative ploy to get me to do stuff that they are old enough to do. I think it is the former with the latter thrown in unconsciously…kind of like croutons on a salad. They serve no real purpose, the salad is fine without them but they definitely add a kick.
It occurs to me that we all have a mean elephant lurking in our homes. Our fears, anxieties and past hurt, whether objectively significant or not are very real and traumatic for us. They are our mean elephants; and they do lurk.
In my last post I talked about a guy that had unilaterally decided I didn’t want to be in a relationship. Now I'm dating someone else. He is nice, really nice, quite possibly too nice. Is that possible? I mean I don’t think he is a pushover and I think, like everyone, he has his limits, but he is trying very hard to please me and it makes me want to be very unpleasant. The nicer he is the less nice I want to be. Am I evil? Deranged? Masochistic? I really don't think so, and I certainly hope not. It occurs to me that while I have made significant changes in the last three years and my perspective on relationships has changed somewhat, maybe there is still that girl who is magnetically drawn to complicated, exciting and ultimately unavailable men. If that is the case, then I still have a lot more work to do because I really do want to be in a relationship…don't I? It's not as though I am a party-er. I don’t jump out of airplanes or travel to exotic places. The most exotic place I've been to in the last three years is the NICU at Tel Hashomer Hospital. So what makes my body sing when I meet a man like that?
It is irritating me that this guy doesn’t make me tingle. In reality the guy before him didn’t either. I am afraid I have lost my mojo or if not, when and how will it come back? Is it really going to be with a guy that once wowed me, but even then I knew was wrong for me? I don’t have the time or emotional energy for predetermined heartbreak and I feel I am so far past that.
And so, I do believe I have a mean elephant in residence in my heart. I hope I can slay him, on my own; that I don’t have to wait for Prince Charming to come and save me. I don’t really believe that prince charming is a savior, rather an equal partner who has had his share of mean elephants and maybe he too has been able to slay them on his own, grow, learn to be open to new possibilities and less drama.