About a week ago, I wrote about a guy I quickly fell for and had every intention of posting it. Unfortunately, things changed just as quickly. First of all, I cannot stress enough how instantly we clicked and how completely enamored we were with each other. Anyway, he got some news that he had to leave for a while because he’s in the military. As bad of a time for this news to come at the honeymoon stage of our relationship, he asked if I would wait for him. Still floating on cloud 9, I said yes. However, while putting his affairs in order, he has become very distant and removed from me—a complete 180. I realize this is life-changing and he has a lot to deal with, and I’ve been trying to be as supportive and understanding as I can. I offer to help him with anything and let him know I’m here for him, without trying to be too aggressive or overbearing.
Though I can’t help feeling shut out of his life, and it has me asking myself a million questions: Did I do something wrong? Had his feelings for me just fizzled? Is he just the type of person to shut down when he deals with things? Did he not feel as strongly for me as he let on? Is shutting me out his way to dealing with missing me when he leaves? Or worse, is there another woman?
These recent events, or lack there of, has gotten me down to say the least. I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me until last night when I was discussing dinner plans with Hana. She wanted to put in a movie and said, “let’s pick something happy we both like so you don’t feel so lonely.” What?! How could a 6-year-old gauge what I was feeling? I’ve mentioned him in conversation, but I definitely don’t give my kid details of my love life. When she said that, I felt humbled and awoken. I just hugged her, kissed her, and told her how much I love her. Here I was basically chasing the love of this man, while the love from my daughter was sitting right in front of me. I felt like an idiot. This morning, I saw the attached photo on Facebook and immediately thought of what Hana taught me last night.
I’m so blessed to have her as my daughter because she does teach me what life is all about. She snapped me back to what my life is about, being her mom. Regardless of what is going on in my love life, my work life or my social life, I am always a mom above all those things. Though I didn’t realize what I was doing, it was so unfair of me to let my sadness affect the time I had with my child. So I shook it off, put a smile on my face, and turned on Cupcake Wars for us—she seriously loves that show.
As for the guy, I saw another quote on Facebook that opened my eyes. It read, “Never struggle to chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having.—Unknown.” True words from the ever inspirational social media. Regardless of how much I show a man what he is worth to me, he needs to show me what I’m worth to him. He showed me a lot at first, but now—it doesn’t seem like he wants me to be a part of his life so I won’t push. I’ll just have to wait to find a man who will want to give his love freely to me because I would never want Hana to settle for less so neither will I. Until then, I will shake it out and embrace the love, affection and attention that I receive every single day from my child.