I laying back on my sofa and I keep hearing this "tick,tick, tick." I'm not sure where it is coming from so I get up and look. It's not any of the clocks since they both need batteries and had needed batteries for awhile. It almost sounds like a bomb is about ready to go off. (I know-sounds like paranoia, right?!) But it is annoying...very annoying. So I keep looking. I don't know where it is coming from...but it is loud, and consistent.

It goes on for days...until one day I lay back on my sofa and looked up. It was coming from the ceiling fan. The fan is moving so fast, it is shaking and the little chain knobs are clashing with each other in a rhythm. I almost wanted to laugh. The sound had been above my head the whole time and I had missed it. I noticed that being real observant is slowly dying from me. Especially if you have been looking at it a number of times...but you still have to laugh.

I had quite an intense session today with CJ. We were back talking about my mother's death and the conspiracy thoughts I had about it. There seems to be to many in consistence from all the relatives. No one seems to be on the same page. Different stories. and then there was him...who had been blackball from ever working in the construction work simply because he got away with murder & bragged about it. The investigation just was going in circles and seems not to be unsolved to me even if it did to him because "he served his time." But he didn't in my eyes. He did get away with murder and then harass my (half) brother for years about it trying to proclaim his innocence. CJ wanted me to see or understand that my conspiracy theory was impossible until I pointed something things out to her. She could tell I had not have any closures over my mother's death. It had been over 35 years but I still see the images, the nightmares as it was happening to me at that very moment. Someone sitting over me- holding me down...punching me over n' over in the face but I can't see who it is.

I don't know if this image is coming from something that happened to me or if this is my mother trying to tell me something-a message to what happened that day. I don't know where it is coming from or why. But it's there.

We had to quit the session due to the time...but I noticed that I could not show my emotions this time. Maybe because I could not cry anymore. Maybe I have become cold-emotionless about her untimely death. I just knew that there is a conspiracy out there and no one wants to believe me. There are just to many other facts out there that people didn't look at. Why were they ignored and why were there to many stories of how she died. Maybe she didn't die and they want us to think she did. Maybe she really was a witness protection and she could not take us with her. She started a new and different life. I thought I once saw her at Sea World a number of years ago.

I know it sounds crazy! Maybe it is. Maybe it is not. Maybe it's an obsession of finding the truth of why and if she died.

I'm trying to find a graphic program I can make some logo's and buttons for my Organization so that it is consistent with website, t-shirts, stationery, cookbook, post cards, etc..etc... but have not find one that I liked so far. The so call "Free" ones on the internet...they tell you to make one for free but then when you save it and ready to download it, they charge you for it. {sigh} I hate places like that. So I keep searching. I need to get the store up but can't until I have that logo! And to have the buttons made for the store too.

I wanted to go to Ben & Jerry's today for my free ice cream and ended up at McDonald's for their vanilla ice cream cone....& a cheese burger.

Well...I'm going to go make some Magic Cookies! yes...it's legal in Florida to make them!

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