You just slip out the back,
Make a new plan,
You don’t need to be coy,
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus,
Don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key,
And get yourself free…
Lyrics by Paul Simon and La Mom
Jacques had a problem. Make that a gros problème. Married life was nothing like it was cracked up to be. The only solution? Le divorce.
Hang on, let me back up a bit. Jacques is one of Big Cheese’s childhood friends. They’d been through thick and thin when it came to women – Les One-Night-Stands, Les Girlfriends, and Les Fiancées (all plural – extremely plural – for Jacques).
Let’s just say that only one of us made it to La Mom.
Here’s what transpired over the France vs. Ireland rugby match while La Mom was hovering – cough, cleaning up – in the kitchen:
Jacques (sipping beer): Thursday was very difficile. I went to the lawyer’s office to sign the divorce papers and saw Victoire for the first time since we separated in May.
Big Cheese: Does she know you were cheating on her since before you were married?
Jacques: Non, non. Of course not. But she is a real salope.
La Mom to self: Them’s fightin' words!
Big Cheese: What did she do?
Jacques: She was très belle, très soignée. She wore the Chanel watch I offered her for her thirtieth anniversaire. And the Louis Vuitton bag from Christmas last year.
Big Cheese: She is trying to send you a message, non?
Jacques: Baaaa oui. And she did it with her six-months pregnant belly!
Big Cheese (sucking in breath): Oh la la!
La Mom to self: Game to Victoire! And the crowd goes wild!!!
Lesson learned: Never underestimate a Frenchwoman’s power to break out the perfect accessory for every occasion.