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** Skid marks can suck it.

** If you can drive five REALLY loud eight-year-old girls without wrecking the car, you can do just about anything.

** I think I'm gonna make it easier on myself and just give everyone access to my bank account this Christmas.

** Stupidity is what makes the world go round (or at least it seems that way lately.)

** I can deck one helluva mean hall, my friends.

** My son doesn't have a single sense of urgency whatsoever.

** Alec Baldwin REALLY likes to play "Words With Friends."

** Santa seriously needs to put a personal assistant under my tree this year.

** You are SOL when your kid figures out how to set random alarms on your iPhone.  (Hello, 4 AM!!!)

** Our old Elf on the Shelf was packed away in the Halloween decorations.  Obviously.

** Walking around a crowded mall with your fly open is a tad bit humbling.

** People who put antlers on their car in December frighten me.

** Blagojevich was FINALLY forced to swallow a little bit of his enormous ego.

** Every store in America suddenly becomes a toy store extraordinaire at holiday time.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK??? >>

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