** Straws make everything taste better.


** "Everybody hurts" when you post pictures of your penis.  (Did you hear that, Michael Stipe??!!)


** Embarrassing moments hunt me down like a bear in the woods.


** My wallet and a book fair are a dangerous combination.


** The volume of kids' voices immediately goes to full max when dining in a restaurant.


** I can't remember the last time I woke up refreshed and ready to go.


** The spiders are all Lou Ferrigno-sized around here.


** It's really hard to relax on the couch when the dog's dropping butt bombs all over the family room.


** You can hear hear my husband's snoring even with a pillow smothering his face.  (Uh...not that I've done that or anything....)


** Topping my "Asses to Kick" list is my super skinny esophagus.


** My daughter's soccer bag smells like something rolled around in rotting trash and then died at the bottom of it.


** You know it's a slow news day when Matt Lauer's talking about a cat that traveled cross country.


** My allergies have made me their bitch.


** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.






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