** Mother Nature forgot to take her meds once again.


** People who only write inspirational quotes for their Facebook status scare me.


** If you're a random piece of crap, you're probably sitting on my kitchen counter.


** Everything should be pumpkin-flavored this time of year.


** Drawing a stick figure can be a real hoot -- who knew?!


** I evidently need to remind the kids not to drink their bath water.


** The amount of garbage that's shown on daytime t.v. is truly astonishing.


** Me not dropping my iPhone is like Ozzy Osbourne not dropping the f-bomb.


** If you can't see over the steering wheel, you probably shouldn't be driving.


** A tail-less dolphin can make me cry like a baby.


** Five screaming kids in a car is a migraine in the making.


** My auto-pilot mode seems to be broken.


**VH1 has completely forgotten that the word "video" is part of their name.


** Playdates can be both a blessing and a curse.


** Nucking Futs is my name, and poop is evidently my game.


** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.




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