** Half days of school are only awesome if you're a kid or a teacher.  Or bat shit crazy.

** Birthdays are chock-full of calories.

** Sometimes it's better to pretend like you don't know your family.

** The front of my car is attracted to jackasses who don't drive the speed limit.

** Nothing says I love you quite like a child farting in your face.

** Rockin' good hold music does not make being on hold for THIRTY FREAKING MINUTES any more enjoyable.

** You could make more money at a lemonade stand than you could as a Colombian prostitute.

** I'm 99.9% certain that my son loves Minecraft more than me.

** Ya just gotta love a little old lady who knows how to drop an f-bomb.

** It's hard to tackle your to-do list when your to-do list has tackled you.

** I often feel I have just a little bit too much in common with Raggedy Ann.

** A giggle a day keeps the nut house away.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.



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