Things I've Learned This Year (A Recap of the Best of 2011)

** My son likes to make his penis talk.  (Don't ask.)

** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.

** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.

** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.

** You can never ever hug your kids too much.

** When life hands you lemons, it's best to dance while making lemonade.

** Questions before 8 AM should totally be illegal.

** Inserting foot into mouth is something I do quite well.

** Dressing room mirrors are as cruel as Joan Rivers on the red carpet.

** If no one is bleeding or dead, that is considered a successful day.

** Child labor is one of the great benefits of parenting.

** Contrary to what my kids think, boogers are not a snack food.

** I will forever be a human coat rack.

** Asking for a drama-free morning in my house is like asking a nudist not to be naked.

** Homework and wine go hand in hand.

** Sometimes it really does help to read the directions.

** The males in my house would no doubt forget their balls if they weren't attached to their bodies.

** It's a double-edged painful sword when a woman sleeps through the night without having to pee.

** Peace and quiet are about as likely to show up in my house as a maid and a bartender.

** If I had a dollar for every time I dropped my iPhone, I could buy a new iPhone.

** Friends don't let friends walk around with camel toe.

** There's a "Know-It-All Mom" in every single crowd.

** No matter where you hide, they ALWAYS find you.

** M&M's last about as long in this house as a teenage boy with a hooker.

** If my daughter had a tattoo, it would say, "I save the drama for my mama."

** It's time to do laundry when you're trying to talk your second grader into going commando.

** I would punch myself in the face if I had to work at a Build-A-Bear Workshop.

** I'm just a mini bar and a pillow away from living in my car.

** I would rather give a homeless man a pedicure than watch the Casey Anthony trial on t.v.

** When you travel with kids, it's a trip.  When you travel without them, it's a vacation.

** Trying to get your kids to sleep at a water park is like trying to get a nun to pole dance.

** It's safer to just wear a helmet 24/7.

** There's nothing sexier than watching your husband empty the dishwasher completely unprompted.

** 2 AM looks WAY different than it used to look.

** Someone should come up with a Beano for brain farts.

** Whoever said "Don't cry over spilled milk" never saw how much friggin' milk my kids spill.

** It helps to remember that there's always someone with a messier house than you.

** Camping is so much more enjoyable when I don't have to be a part of it.

** If a man looks like a gang of pubes have collected on his chin, he should probably think twice about sportin' a beard.  Just sayin'.

** My son keeps more crap in his bed than Hugh Hefner.

** The volume of kids' voices immediately goes to full max when dining in a restaurant.

** People who only write inspirational quotes for their Facebook status scare me.

** I'm ready for bed before my kids are anymore.

** Not even Calgon can take me away at this point.

** The evolution of road rage surely began in a school carpool line.

** It's called a "hot" glue gun for a reason.  Ouch!

** There's no calling in sick when you're a mom.

** If clogging up toilets were an Olympic sport, my children would have a gold medal in it.

** My last uninterrupted conversation took place in 2002.

** A giant cardboard box is the greatest toy you could give a kid.

** When you run errands without a bra, you're guaranteed to run into people you know.

** Every time I try to be the early bird, my kids have already beaten me to the damn worm.

** Skid marks can suck it.

** Screw Santa -- MOMS are the ones who need elves!!!!

** There's something pretty freaking awesome about staying in your pj's all day long.

** A brick wall would respond more to a conversation than my kids do sometimes.

HERE'S TO LEARNING MANY MORE THINGS IN THE NEW YEAR!!!!
* Cheers, y'all! *


 

 

 

 

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Tags: Santa, camping, carpool, dog, family, homework, husband, iPhone, kids, laundry, More…motherhood, parenting, park, vacation, water, wine

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