So far this season has bit the big one. Day 3 of Spring is here and already it blows. But I am determined to turn my frown upside down today and be the cool, upbeat, spring in my step type of puffa-vest wearing Volvo 4WD cranking mum that walk the streets where I live.
But it is just not me.
I got a few emails from a nasty troll, who dared to question me and my views. But after threatening to publish his email address, I have not heard from him. And now I miss him. And Mr Woog misses him, as he was the perfect target to point my anger towards. So if you are there, please email and let me know you are ok, OK? Or are you like the 99.999999% of the population who has chosen not to read my words of modern wisdom anymore? Or are you worried that your soft-core porn popped up on Fred Niles laptop and you have gone to ground?
And speaking of Fred, has a bigger dickhead ever drawn breathe? Not quite but close it would seem. I was alerted by a lovely reader about someone who she feels should get my Ultimate Grand Tool Supreme of the week.
Dear Mrs Woog,
I have an idea for Tool of the Week - Paul Hogan. Here is my argument. You decide if it is reasonable:
1. His plastic surgery is drooping
2. He claims he is the archetypal Aussie but he has lived overseas for 25 years
3. He left his devoted first wife for said a younger model
4. They named their child Chance. Let's hope Hogan Jr meets a young lady called Encounter.
5. He keeps bitching about the Tax Office. Hoges, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it probably is an income tax evader. Stop your bitching and realise the tax office always wins.
6. Crocodile Dundee presented Australians to the world as unsophisticated bushies. That is not true, we are more likely to be unsophisticated urbanites, who spend our time at Westfield, not communing with bulls.
7. Also I have been to a few hotels in the US and none of them have bidets.
8. A shrimp is someone who is picked on at school.
Thank you dear reader, there is not a lot that can be argued with here. But some other stuff caught my attention this week.....
One of the trapped Chilean miners is going to have some explaining to do after his wife ran into his mistress at the mine's entrance.
Britain's Sun newspaper reports the wife of Yonni Barrios, Marta Salinas, was stunned and upset to find his girlfriend Susana Valenzuela also conducting a vigil for him.
Oh Yonni! You are in soooo much trouble! And to think you were worried that Marta was going to find out about this on Facebook? Opps.
Oh and something else!
Chouthi Bai, a woman from Kilchu village, Rajasthan, has taken it upon herself to breastfeed a three-day-old calf whose mother had recently died.
Because of the young age of the animal and a lack of a caregiver, Bai has spent the last month and a half nurturing the young calf and breastfeeding it up to three or four times a day.
"After her mother died, I held her in my arms and breastfed her,” said Bai to a Reuters’ reporter. “I nurtured her by feeding her my milk. She was so young when the cow died. For me there is no difference between a calf and an infant."
Now ask anyone who knows me. I am an animal lover. But I always had supply issues when breastfeeding, so it was lucky Old Daisy did not drop dead with her young son in my front yard. I would have definitely found myself at Tresillan with that little issue. And as far as not knowing the difference between a calf and an infant... well Bai, get yourself on Wikipedia pronto.
So we are staring down the barrel of Father's Day, and I just wanted to share with you what one lucky dad is getting on Sunday.
But of course, someone is getting something even cooler. Remember my Uberkate Father's Day Giveaway? The winner was Peta, and together she and Uberkate came up with the following ARMARZING ring to her wonderful husband, and I rarely use those two words together in a sentence. DROOOOLLLLL