ADVERTISEMENT
In grade school I used to love those jokes where a kid would learn the wrong names of sexual anatomy and then say things like, "I saw Daddy's submarine going toward Mommy's abyss (or whatever. I forget the wording). Anyway, telling and hearing these jokes was not only a fun activity, but it implied you understood sex and sex accessories: "Swords," "Tunnels," and "Headlights."
My daughter, newly four, asked the other night at the dinner table what I would do if someone asked me to show them my penis. I had never heard her use that word before.
"Um, well I don't have a penis."
"I mean, your she she part."
"You mean, my vagina?"
My husband coughed.
"What?" I said. "If she's going to know penis she needs to know vagina. Why should we get the stupid nickname." I remembered that when I was my daughter's age (up until high school, pretty much) we'd call it 'birdie' or 'our bird.' Yikes.
My daughter corrected herself. "What would you do if someone asked to see your verchina?" Before I could answer she said, "You tell a teacher!"
"That's right," I said.
"What if the teacher's the one who asks that?" Andy said.
This confused the shit out of her.
"You tell Mommy and Daddy," he said.
"And a teacher," she said. "So, Daddy, what would you do if someone asked you to show your penis?"
"I'd tell a teacher," he said. "Unless it was Mommy. Then I'd look up in the sky to see if any pigs were flying around."
Further confusion. "Eat your squash," I said.
I remember in fifth grade during sex education our teacher, Ms. Lum (who wore this cool multi-colored eye shadow) asked the class to think of all the slang terms for vagina and say them out loud: pussy, snatch, box, oyster, choach, coochie, cunt, slit, stink hole, punani, tuna, va. Then we did the penis, beginning with the meats: sausage, wiener, and frank, then dick, rod, prick, schlong, dong, dip stick, tube steak. As we got comfortable everyone started to yell the obscenities with a crazed glee. Ms. Lum wrote our responses on the chalkboard then asked how these words made us feel. We looked at the dizzying array of bad words written out in her petite cursive. Good! I thought. They make us feel good!
I'm still not sure what the exercise was meant to do--get it all out of our system?
"You need to cover your boobies, too," Little E said while dutifully eating her squash.
"Mommy likes to show her boobies," Andy said.
"In an artful way," I said. "Do you like these pork chops?"
"Is that code for something?"
"No, I'm asking if you like the meat?"
"Do you like meat?"
Oh, for fuck's sake.

Views: 5

Comment

You need to be a member of Mom Bloggers Club to add comments!

Join Mom Bloggers Club

Comment by Tara Jefferson on December 11, 2008 at 2:25pm
Best blog post title I've ever seen. Funniest thing I've read in a while..LOL
Comment by Lori Leach on December 11, 2008 at 2:21pm
Now THAT was funny!
Thanks for the laugh - great post.
Comment by Mom Bloggers Club on December 11, 2008 at 1:05pm
OMG -- What was your teacher thinking? I vaguely remember one of my teachers during sex ed doing something similar to that, but about sperm. It was.... strange.

Our newest members. Join us + 23,000 fellow mom bloggers

ADVERTISEMENT

MBC CUTIES

Our current cutie was uploaded by Stephanie WentworthUpload a photo of your cutie. They may be featured here. See all of the cuties.

Our Latest Food, Travel & Lifestyle Posts

Has Blogging Become One Big Chore?

Have you ever looked at your blog’s dashboard and whimpered to yourself, “Oh, I just cannot in any way, shape, or form write a blog post today?”

We have all been there, right? Or, is it just me?

After eight years of blogging I have whimpered that more times than I…

How to Get Your Kids to the Dentist Without Tears, Tantrums or Throwing

Growing up, you might remember a time in your life when the only thing scarier than the boogeyman was your dentist. Over the years, you grew to appreciate your dentist and his or her service to your dental health, however, it did take you some time to grow into that mentality. Give your kids a…

ADVERTISE

© 2016   Created by Mom Bloggers Club.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service