Pretty much my entire life I have felt as though I was living in the shadows of someone else's world. Never really knowing who I am, or where I wanted to go in life, I merely existed. Now that I am older, I find that I still need some direction, but am not finding it in the forms that I thought I would. Instead, my life is spiraling in such a way that I am forced to make difficult choices, regardless of what I truly want.
I have spent the better part of my life being fearful that I would let someone else down. Because of this, I have let myself down repeatedly. Now, I am on a mission to find what it is that I truly love, and make good things happen for myself. I have a wonderful family, but there are still situations in my life that I am not comfortable with... People that I feel push the boundaries of propriety consistently... and I have a sense of longing within myself that I feel can only be fulfilled by finding my true place in this world.
I have watched others around me find their "callings" and live their dreams. I have seen people get rewarded, that truly did not work for it, or deserve it (just the truth). I have seen good people get hurt, and their lives ruined at the hands of people who claimed to care about them. During each of these times, I have questioned what my place is, why I worry so much, and whether my voice should be heard. I have found it challenging to really feel happy for people when good things happen in their lives that seem so easily attained, when I have worked so hard just to survive in this world, and still have not been able to achieve what I long for. Does that make me a bad person? I do not think that it does, I think that it just shows my humanity.
The other day I went for a job interview, and that short period of time showed me a lot about who I am and what I want. Afterward, I took a stroll down the street in Atlanta, where I was, and I looked out over the interstate to the skyscrapers and shining towers. It spoke to me... to my very heart and soul, and I realized something... That someone that I know, who is very wise, was right when they told me that my destiny is not in the clouds, but among the stars. I truly believe that now, and am diligently searching for ways to make that happen.