This post could very well get me unfollowed on Twitter. Mommy bloggers all over are going to read this (this assumes, of course, that I have that many readers) and say "See? It's women like that who don't deserve a child." Look, I'm just one of those women who knows her limitations. I have one very awesome daughter and absolutely no wish to roll that particular set of dice again. Nope. I know when to fold and walk away from the table. And don't ask me about these gambling metaphors either. Obviously my subconscious is in Atlantic City or "Casino" was on TNT again.
So without further ado......
THE TOP 10 REASONS YOU COULDN'T PAY ME TO HAVE ANOTHER KID*
10. Babies, and children, and eventually grown-ass loser children, cost money. A lot of money. Even more money over time. And apparently, 8 years old is too young to get working papers. (the fuck?? Obviously that rule was made by some paper pusher with no freakin' kids)
9. Babies require safety devices. All over the place. My child is used to the dangers of living with me. Why would I conduct more training in this area??
8. Spongebob can eat shit and die, if they even take shits in Bikini Bottom. There's nothing funny about an asexual sponge.
7. I'd have to come up with a name for it. In a world of "Madisons" and "Tylers" and "Chloes," what's a girl to do? BFF is no good to me here. She's like Jennifer Aniston in "Along Came Polly." If I need a decision from her, I've gotta pose the question approximately 6 to 8 weeks ahead of time. I'd end up calling it Sakajawea or something equally as ridiculous.
6. I'm at a pretty good babysitting stage with Tatum. She's old enough to sleep over her friends' houses, her grandmother's, her cousin's...who the hell is going to take a kid AND an infant while I go out and shake my booty somewhere?? And if I did manage to find someone, I have to pay them....dipping into Mommy's dirty martini money. Not good.
5. I'm finally not totally hating my body. So, what? I'm going to start over? I don't think so.
4. Don't I have enough hangers-on without having a literal hanger-on? (if you're one of my hangers-on, heh..heh...keep up the good work!)
3. What if I had another girl? We They are sneaky and diabolical. At any age.
2. See #3.
And the #1 reason you couldn't PAY me to have another kid.....
1. I can't seem to convince Bradley Cooper that he's my next baby daddy. I mean, his manager, agent, accountant, official twitterer, police and Interpol, and his mom all say that he gets my messages, but I just don't know....why wouldn't he call me?
*Um, this is totally negotiable by the way, Bradley