By Kristin Fast, Guest Contributor and Mamarazzi

It’s Valentine’s Day, late 1990s… a young twenty-something couple is still in the bliss of early relationship sexytimes… before the babies, the mortgage, the vomiting dogs… I digress. Our heroine comes home from work a little early, excited for the “something special” her beloved has readied for her on this most romantic of holidays; a sunset dinner? A special evening out? Perhaps some exquisite lingerie?

Ah, the Harlequin Romance possibilities… endless.

She knocks on the partially opened door and it swings open… hello? I’m home, she calls.  He responds, I’m back in the bedroom

So just imagine, really imagine, swinging open that door and seeing, not a bed covered in rose petals, but a room swathed in plastic sheeting and a Costco-size bottle of vegetable oil.

Sexytimes? Or Murdertimes?

A romantic gesture should never be confused with a potential crime scene.

And with that in mind, let us embark on a little journey together, a journey which will remind us, what not to buy this Valentine’s Day.

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is a holiday ripe with potential failure. Too romantic? You make everyone uncomfortable. Too casual? You’re insensitive. It’s a lose lose. However, by paying attention to what I am going to tell you and following my advice, you just might skate through unscathed.

Really, who can ask for anything more?

The Sexy Gifts.

The Sexy Gifts include all manner of items purchased at stores with the words, “Pleasure”, “Discreet” or “Naughty” in their name. Also, anything that is delivered in a plain brown wrapper. Vibrators, edible underwear, gag balls (for you go-getter types) and porn are the type of thing best left as a mutual decision. You might think you really know someone but alas, once they open up the “Cheerleaders in Heat” video, things can tend to get ugly. Also on this list are tassels, fuzzy handcuffs, and scented oils (rash). As suggested in our Christmas List, the only sexy gifts worth giving are ones of gorgeous NOT trashy lingerie. Valentine’s Day is about romance,not sex.

The Romantic Gifts.

You might think that you cannot go wrong with flowers. Everyone likes a nice bouquet! So far, yes, everyone does like a nice bouquet. What everyone does not like is a bouquet from the 7-11 or corner gas station that vaguely smells of hot dogs and diesel fumes.

Also on the no – no romantic gifts list are creepy public proposals, awkward picnics and couples massages.

Lordy do I hate me a couples massage.

The “Man” Gifts.

Skip the embossed pocket squares, the bamboo plant and the cute photo of the two of you and instead spend a satisfying morning rolling around in the sheets.

I might be crazy here, but I’m feeling emboldened just enough to say that nothing says, “I love you” like a morning BJ.

That’s right. For men, romance is sex and sex is romance and the sooner we all accept that the easier our lives will be.

While I understand that many of you out there shake your fist in the general direction of your nearest Hallmark store when these theme holidays roll around, I implore you to let it go… with a little common sense you can survive with your love life intact.

Let me leave you with a little story… this one not involving plastic and oil, but rather capturing the essence of the romantic gesture. Another holiday, another young relationship another explosion of youthful sexytimes and the perfect gift: a small ad, placed in the local paper, using nicknames, promising to love and cherish her forever. Just the right amount of romance with the bonus of being a wonderful public secret. Hard to do, but well done.

Less is more people, but yet there still has to be something.  And that something shouldn’t be crotchless.

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Tags: day, gift, humor, ideas, love, sex, valentine's

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