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To all of you nostalgic saps who are mourning the potential death of the Twinkie, I offer the following quiz:

How many Twinkies have you actually consumed in the past month? (NOTE: You should not count this week when the world decided that Twinkies were edible again.)

  1. If your answer is more than 10: How old are you, and how high is your body mass index?
  2. If your answer is between one and nine: Really? You picked a tasteless batch of chemicals over a Swiss Roll or an Oatmeal Creme Pie?
  3. If your answer is less than one: Move on with your life and stop trying to relive your childhood.

The fact is, Twinkies are dead because they are disgusting, low-quality pseudofood. They taste like wet sponges filled with Vaseline. On a scale of dreadful to delicious, Twinkies rank right up there with Vienna sausages and potato sticks.

Yes, we all loved Twinkies when we were kids, but we also ate lead-based paint and mud pies. How sophisticated could our palates have been back then? Anyone who has eaten a Twinkie past the age of 25 should: a) reevaluate their snacking habits, and b) realize that, in a word, Twinkies are gross.

My kids have eaten Twinkies only once in their lives, and they didn't like them. They would much rather eat a freshly baked doughnut or a piece of actual cake. This is probably why Twinkies are dying to begin with: Americans are no longer satisfied with the bland TV dinners and prepackaged foods of years past. We can now get cheap, semi-healthy food at any fast food restaurant or grocery store.

Unfortunately for many busy families, this cheap, semi-healthy food has become a regular substitute for healthy, homemade food. Like most things, moderation is key.

So when it comes to the Twinkie, I certainly won't be shedding any tears. Taking Twinkies off the shelves means one fewer unhealthy food choice at the grocery store.

R.I.P., Twinkie the Kid. You will not be missed.


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