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To all of you nostalgic saps who are mourning the potential death of the Twinkie, I offer the following quiz:

How many Twinkies have you actually consumed in the past month? (NOTE: You should not count this week when the world decided that Twinkies were edible again.)

  1. If your answer is more than 10: How old are you, and how high is your body mass index?
  2. If your answer is between one and nine: Really? You picked a tasteless batch of chemicals over a Swiss Roll or an Oatmeal Creme Pie?
  3. If your answer is less than one: Move on with your life and stop trying to relive your childhood.

The fact is, Twinkies are dead because they are disgusting, low-quality pseudofood. They taste like wet sponges filled with Vaseline. On a scale of dreadful to delicious, Twinkies rank right up there with Vienna sausages and potato sticks.

Yes, we all loved Twinkies when we were kids, but we also ate lead-based paint and mud pies. How sophisticated could our palates have been back then? Anyone who has eaten a Twinkie past the age of 25 should: a) reevaluate their snacking habits, and b) realize that, in a word, Twinkies are gross.

My kids have eaten Twinkies only once in their lives, and they didn't like them. They would much rather eat a freshly baked doughnut or a piece of actual cake. This is probably why Twinkies are dying to begin with: Americans are no longer satisfied with the bland TV dinners and prepackaged foods of years past. We can now get cheap, semi-healthy food at any fast food restaurant or grocery store.

Unfortunately for many busy families, this cheap, semi-healthy food has become a regular substitute for healthy, homemade food. Like most things, moderation is key.

So when it comes to the Twinkie, I certainly won't be shedding any tears. Taking Twinkies off the shelves means one fewer unhealthy food choice at the grocery store.

R.I.P., Twinkie the Kid. You will not be missed.


Read more of Momniscient's blogs at http://www.momniscient.net

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