In life, I believe that God sends you the people you need in your life at that time. You may not be friends forever, but you learn something from that friendship and use it to better future friendships. You take my 33 years of life and shake it up....a handful of friends stands out and I am grateful for them. Some, are no longer in contact with me for various reasons, but I accept that and will go on loving them and wishing nothing but the best for them.
I'm about to share something personal....but in my hopes in sharing this, I can maybe help someone....that is my hope. Noone should have to feel they are alone in it...well here is my story...read with an open mind and heart.
April 28th, 2010...I had my last alcoholic beverage. I was brought in the ER by my husband because I was a mess and hit my rock bottom going 110 mph. Leading up to that night, I didn't want to even slightly admit that I had a problem with booze and pills...but in fact I did. The lovely little pill called Ativan was prescribed to me for anxiety (And if you know me, you know I am type A 100%) These little white pills made me feel "normal" so I started taking more than the daily amount.....eventually I was out of the pills before I could be get a refill. Without the Ativian my body wanted alcohol (Later did I learn that Ativan works on your brain the same as booze) so when I didn't have the pills..I drank. My tolerance was going up fast and at the time I had no idea why I wanted a glass of wine at noon. In the evening while making dinner, if I popped a couple Ativan and sipped a glass of wine...I was not myself in the slightest. Another little tidbit that I learned is that taking 1 Ativan and 1 glass of wine is like have 6 drinks. But, I was taking 3-4 pills at a time.....you get my drift. It was a fast downward spiral.
I went into Generose 5 days after the ER visit..thinking that I would be admitted into the Out Patient program. WRONG....30 days in patient is what they recommended to me. Actually the counselor told me I was an alcoholic about 5 minutes into our interview...I in turn looked at him like he was crazy. I cried like a baby after the interview and was told that I pretty much needed to stay. Oh my god...I can't I'm a stay at home mom...what....there's no way.
He simply said....."You have already been "absent" from your family for more than 30 days, your addiction wanted you to pay attention to it..not your family" I nodded my head....puffy eyes, snotty nose, hugging the 2nd tissue box I was on, I wasn't saving trees...I was holding on by my fingertips..trying to figure out how to save me!!
I promised the counselor that if I could go home and pack my own stuff., I would not use..I hold him about the nightmare about my hubby packing my stuff as I went into labor for Ethan a month early. I think I even told him about the bad hospital 2 in 1 shampoo. I'm sure he was thinking "Geeze lady, you have bigger problems than Pert Plus"
I went home packed pretty much my entire closet..I was to be there for 30 days!!! When we pushed in my cart of suitcases and bags...they thought I was from another state. Nope, I live only about 10 miles away....I already feel like death...I can at least try and look nice everyday.
Looking back now...I wouldn't change a damn thing. Going to rehab for 30 days was the best thing I have ever done for myself (that and swearing off any 2 in 1 shampoo) At first I worried about the stigma attached to having the label "addict" I didn't think I would fit in and I may as well get it tattooed across my forehead because I'm almost positive that everyone that looks at me can tell.
But NOW going on 3 months sober..all I can say is WOW..I feel amazing!! Better than I have in my entire life. The disease of addiction, and mental illness is no fun..and I have both. With the tools I have learned in treatment and the awesome friends I have met and made in recovery....It's one day at a time, and everyday is a gift I can't wait to open.
Every morning I tell myself "drugs and alcohol are not options for me..I need to deal w/ emotions and feelings w/out numbing out" I do my meditation, I keep in contact w/ my recovery friends, and I thank God for the friends that have stuck by me through my "nuttiness" and saw the real Erica through the mess.
My hubby, who is an absolute saint (I would have ditched me a long time ago) he is the only one who truly loves me no matter what...I can't believe I am so lucky!! And if by telling "my story" I can help someone else that is struggling and having a hard time....well then, I can't ask for anything better than that right there.
As far as the friends I have lost. They will still always hold a place in my heart..they will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, even if I'm not in theirs.
Of course this blog is not as light hearted as my previous ones, but as I sit and think about a special someone that is no longer part of my life....that is what I have been thinking about today....and that is my blog after all...."A day in the life of me...Erica Lee"
thanks for letting me share my story,