It's Mother's Day again.



That glorious time of year when mothers around the country get to do absolutely nothing of their choosing and are forced to suffer quietly with their hands folded in their laps, like repentant children who've stuck their hand in the cookie jar one too many times, but instead of a moist, delicious cookie, have managed to pull out three of four screaming children instead.



The shock of childbirth has long since worn off, and as we arrange ourselves… Continue

My son asked me last night, while I was tucking him into bed, "Mom? Are you ever going to clean the house again?"

I quickly refrained myself from the habitual bitch-slap and went for the much calmer, "I know, honey. It's been a little bit crazy around here lately."



"Yeah, 'cause it's pretty messy."



I'll get right on it, Sweetie. My passion in life is to clean up your shit. Could you leave a few extra stuffed animals on the couch tomorrow and maybe place a single… Continue

Just when you think you're getting the hang of this "being a mom" thing, something comes along and knocks the wind out of you so bad, you think to yourself, should I really be allowed to do this parenting stuff at all? Shouldn't I have taken some sort of classes first? Some sort of pre-screening evaluations? Or at the very least some genetic-type blood testing to see if I was even eligible for such a big task? Receiving an "F" in a course like How to Console Your Child Properly may have played… Continue

We cultivate our kids like any good farmers. We sprinkle them with fertilizer, encourage them with daily doses of water, and take pride in their growth. We happily rejoice when their corn stalk reaches 5' and we dutifully mark it on a piece of kitchen molding, which is now hanging in the broom closet because we remodeled.



We work at it. We try hard. We even like it sometimes.



That way, in the event my 7-year-old daughter gets off the bus and complains of a sore throat, we… Continue

We just returned home from another trip. Some may call us jet-setty. I call us dumb and tired as hell. This particular trip was a brief jaunt down into the heartland of America. It was my aunt's 60th birthday and 10 brave family members caravanned to Omaha, NE for a weekend of drinking, debauchery, and money loss so extreme it may take years to repair the damage.



My aunt and uncle have been living in Omaha now for 15 years. They moved there after landing a job on the mainland after… Continue