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My Funny Mummy's Blog – May 2012 Archive (31)

Back In The Saddle

In work today for a briefing about my Return To Work. I don't like it. I don't want to. You can't make me. Sadly the Halifax and an extensive list of direct debits can. 

Challenge Of The Day: Part One

Get Up, Get Ready And Go Out

A pleasing start - as if to order, The Poop had a lie in until 7:20am, a time until which she has slept maybe three times since birth. God bless black out blinds. Her laziness enabled me to go for a run, have…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 31, 2012 at 4:52am — No Comments

The Sun Has Got His Hat On

Good weather. Proper dead good weather. Like 'not only are the windows are open but I've taken me thermal vest off I've dug out a pair of flip flops and I'm sleeping in the nud' sort of weather. In the UK, this is, understandably, cause for great excitement. Cue much comparing of our temperatures to those in Spain, gratuitous tabloid photos of nineteen year old girls frolicking on Brighton beach and hosepipe bans being dished out left, right and centre.

It is…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 30, 2012 at 4:03pm — No Comments


So The Poop can clap. And she can wave. Never in front of the audience I've just bigged her up to, but when there's not a soul about to witness it she'll wave, chat and solve mathematical equations till the cows come home.

But she cannot grasp this crawling stuff. Forwards anyway. She can back up like a good 'un. She can whizz round in a…

Added by My Funny Mummy on May 29, 2012 at 3:21pm — No Comments

Put Your Hands Together For...

Boo has discovered clapping. When she first did it it, it was the cutest thing that has ever happened in the history of man (and that's not just my opinion, it's actual Guinness World Record fact). Arms fully extended in front of her, she tentatively coordinated her balled fists so that they met silently together in front of her swelling, proud chest. A big smile crept across her face as she looked up with the most blatant "I've just clapped" expression…

Added by My Funny Mummy on May 28, 2012 at 12:29pm — No Comments

Currant Bun

You know last week, how I introduced you to the digable, sprinkable, squeezable splendour that is my best pal sand? Well this week I've found something else for you. It is something about which I feel equally passionate, fervent and obsessive. Because it is absolutely r-u-b-b-i-s-h.

That stupid burning orange ball.

It sits there in the blue stuff…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 27, 2012 at 5:49pm — No Comments


Clearly Betty has designs on working the sunkissed, bronzed goddess look, FORCING A POO OUT every time I put sun tan lotion on her face. This is not a joke or exaggeration - this is ACTUAL FACT, as evidenced in this photo.

Right, fine. Another dirty protest it is then...*strains* *heaves*..when will they…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 26, 2012 at 4:36am — No Comments

Put It Away

Good weather. Great innit?

Um. Mostly.

You know what's not great?

  1. Bearing witness to those chomping away at a non existent rung of economic contribution, who, having wobbled their way into two sizes too small garmentry, must then expose vast expanses of pasty, mottled, stretch marked, dimpled hide to my revolted eye.
  2. Unwittingly gazing upon the freakishly long, gnarled toenails of an elderly chap in sandals while queueing to pay for batteries in…

Added by My Funny Mummy on May 25, 2012 at 5:42pm — No Comments


How GOOD is being a kid?

There is no need for Niagara Falls. No cause to seek out the Great Barrier Reef. No requirement for the Grand Canyon. The Pyramids are so-so. The Leaning Tower of Pisa's okay. The Great Wall of China is perfectly satisfactory. But they're not exciting.

You know the world must be a fabulous place when all you need to be fascinated, mesmerised, captivated for hours, is a tube of soapy water. And a stick with a hole in it.…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 24, 2012 at 3:54pm — No Comments

Leafy Cheshire

Had arranged to go and see a friend's new baby today. Got there and she wasn't in. Hmm. Second time in two weeks she's cancelled our arrangements. Maybe it' Ha! No. Don't be daft. I'm such fun, easy going, non judgemental company - that can't possibly be the case. She's probably kicking herself. Bet my mobile's been ringing OFF THE HOOK with...oh, no, no missed calls. She's probably too busy crying. It's okay Jen, don't worry about it, honestly.…

Added by My Funny Mummy on May 23, 2012 at 11:15am — No Comments

Musical Mayhem

There was definitely Music. And clearly I caught the session on a day when the Mayhem was also running TOTALLY AMOK. As I pulled up on the car park, you could literally taste the disorder. I was in the right place. We shuffled through reception and, with baited breath, I whispered my enquiry: "Musical Mayhem?" The mentalist behind the counter nodded knowingly before sweeping us through the centre to the heart of the madness.…

Added by My Funny Mummy on May 22, 2012 at 5:00pm — No Comments

Pat A Cake, Pat A Cake

Having now convinced myself that I can cook (following my recent baby food triumphs), I decided to really push my luck and attempt to prepare something for adults. Yes, I've cornered guzzleability for my easily pleased and other option-less daughter. But for my next challenge I'll coup a dish which exists beyond the realms of mushed up veg.

When meeting with the more refined…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 21, 2012 at 12:02pm — No Comments

Exquisite Erosion

It's taken waaaay too long for me to find about this. And you didn't pipe up, did you?

After eight long months suffering the humdrum world of tripping from eating to sleeping to pooing to eating, I have come across an escape of breathtaking proportions. After almost thirty five weeks of enduring the achingly uninspiring, gaping void that is my life, I have finally tracked down what was missing. After two hundred and forty three days of unimaginable blandness and inconceivable tedium,…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 20, 2012 at 4:21pm — No Comments


After a shaky start Betty has finally sussed the door bouncer thingy.

Not being in possession of a trigonometry degree, installing the giggling, thrashing Boo between the comedically wayward straps requires a sense of humour very few would struggle to muster at 06:45. It also demands a level of strength, patience and dedication you'll understandably find difficult to associate with my…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 19, 2012 at 6:35am — No Comments

Perfect Timing

0.43%  running


1%       eating, sleeping, cleaning and clothing myself


3%       sterilising bottles, dummies and stand by sterilisers


4%       picking hard skin off my feet


5%       bathing, feeding, changing and clothing The Poop


5.5%    picking all the bits of hard skin up off the floor


6%       trying to pay the window cleaner by scrounging round



Added by My Funny Mummy on May 18, 2012 at 4:11pm — No Comments

Romeo and Drooliet

I thought this bit was over.
Spent the majority of the night repeatedly darting my naked, cellulite spattered frame across our blind-less/curtain-less/completely see-in-able landing. Starkers, shivering and with a head like a bag of chips I hovered, one eye open, over the Poop as she fought her swollen throat, heavy eyelids and the best intentions of her increasingly irritated mother. She juggled…

Added by My Funny Mummy on May 17, 2012 at 2:46pm — No Comments

I can CATEGORICALLY CONFIRM that the St Helens Reporter should be immediately absolved of any association with the Leveson Enquiry. Insinuations that my phone was hacked, that my bins were rooted thr…

I can CATEGORICALLY CONFIRM that the St Helens Reporter should be immediately absolved of any association with the Leveson Enquiry. Insinuations that my phone was hacked, that my bins were rooted through or that friends have been approached to divulge salacious details of my squalid past are total and utter…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 16, 2012 at 4:26pm — No Comments

Tomorrow's Chip Paper

The journalist from the St Helens Reporter phoned today to gather more information. The call came at 9:10am and in true maternity leave lolling about stylee, my synapses had not yet fired up for the day. Presumably I was on speaker phone for the benefit of the reporters at the New York Times and the guys over at the Sydney Bugle, so I decided it might be a good idea to get my most posh voice out. They all waited patiently while I rooted it out of my pencil case, gargled salt water and warmed…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 15, 2012 at 9:25am — No Comments

Stop Press

With our Brilliance in Blogging finalist status creating waves of interest, adoration and global celebration across the world wide web, our AA list celebrity standing has finally been confirmed with the recruitment of at least three new readers. Don't be confused; we are now AA list as in the next people after Z list - like seats in the theatre.

Armed with our blogging genius, we sit, proud, occasionally daring to peep out from behind such so what? legends as Andy Crane, Dean Gaffney…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 14, 2012 at 10:48am — No Comments

Pets Corner

2012-05-08 15.50.18

I took Mum for a wander round Pet's Corner at Sherdley Park.

Apparently that's an ostrich. He was a proper nark. Kept eyeing us through the fencing for ages, then suddenly started stabbing his head violently through the wire mesh in my direction. Clearly the wallaby at the back there has played before - steered well clear. Spent most of our visit cowering in the corner. Sharing a cell with a giant bird nutter that can run at sixty miles an hour…


Added by My Funny Mummy on May 13, 2012 at 8:27am — No Comments


BST. British Summer Time. Long days, light nights, people kidding themselves. The sun has got his hat on, very occasionally. Brilliant isn't it?
No. No it is NOT.

Because this year, in addition to greeting half an hour of solar pleasure by digging around the garage for our wind bent…

Added by My Funny Mummy on May 12, 2012 at 6:18am — No Comments

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