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My Funny Mummy's Blog – July 2012 Archive (28)

New Shoes

Betty's first ever shoe fitting today. 

In light of my bunioned, corned, ingrowing toenailed, fungal infected feet - things will be different for The Poop. And now she is attempting a few steps when holding onto furniture, the time had come. So we took ourselves off to Clarks.

The assistant did look slightly baffled when I presented tiny Boo and requested a fitting, so I whipped out one of my gnarled trotters. Revolted and now in urgent need of…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 30, 2012 at 5:16am — No Comments


So an art gallery. What's that about?
People put scribbles of paint up on a wall and idiots like my Mum spend good money on wandering round pointing at these 'works'. Er...excuse me...I hate to tell you this, but THAT'S A BIT OF SCRIBBLE. I produce neater stuff in my nappy. x

Added by My Funny Mummy on July 29, 2012 at 4:48pm — No Comments

Milk Bottles

Pasty white, King Eddie potato knees topped by a sizeable smattering of cellulite rippling across my ample thighs. A side order of greying dry skin patches which cover most of each knee, having spent the last ten months kneeling on the floor changing nappies, complete the inviting ensemble.
Full post x

Added by My Funny Mummy on July 28, 2012 at 12:37pm — No Comments

The Gallery

The Poop's first trip around an art gallery today.
I know. What am I doing taking a ten month old to a gallery? Surely she'll be bored to tears, and thus an absolute nightmare who will cry, scream, howl and whinge her way around every exhibition and consequently spoil the whole experience for every full price paying stoney-faced patron milling about the joint?
Full post

Added by My Funny Mummy on July 28, 2012 at 4:24am — No Comments

Do Do

Is that it, you're thinking, right? Well no, it isn't. Under that black plastic casing above the wheel there is a huuuuuge chunk of the stuff, wedged tight, the wheel occasionally shaving off slivers of it and disposing of these pieces behind the pram, with me ultimately having to stop every 100 yards to scrape the soles of my slip-ons along the top of passing kerbs. The word you're looking for is: "loser".

Full post…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 26, 2012 at 5:04pm — No Comments

Choo Choo

We boarded the Weirdo Express to Liverpool amid the atypical assortment of nutcases one would associate with rail travel at 10.30am on a weekday; the teenage lad wearing eyeliner who keeps singing, out loud and out of tune, to his Ipod while graffiti-ing the back of the seat in front of him with various words for male genitalia; the creosoted, mini skirted, leopard printed 46 year old who is clearly Huyton's answer to Nancy Del'Olio; the middle aged fella carrying a 1992 Kwik Save bag who…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 25, 2012 at 5:24pm — No Comments

Eau De No Ta

Perfume is an undeniable treat for the nose. Its fresh, floral, fruity tones provide a carnival of pleasantries for even the most cynical of hooters. My Mum is in possession of some particularly luscious examples; her personal penchant for hints of vanilla underpinned by woody base notes of cedar and pine evident in almost every bottle she owns (except for that example of Cacharel's Anais Anais - its heavy handed dose of ylang ylang and Russian Leather clearly setting it apart as an impulse…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 22, 2012 at 6:48am — No Comments


You know what is completely and totally excellent? 
Decorating while in possession of an inquisitive ten month old.

Full post x

Added by My Funny Mummy on July 21, 2012 at 5:38pm — No Comments

10 Months

The Poop is ten months old today. Ten months old.


You know what that means, don't you?

It means she is two months away from being...

O-N-E Y-E-A-R O-L-D.


We are soon to be the proud owners of a one year old child. That's right. Child. Not baby. Child.


It's a good thing, I suppose. 

I have no desperate hankering to return to sleepless nights. I am more than happy…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 20, 2012 at 12:45pm — No Comments

NHS Direct


It happened.

She found something she shouldn't have.

The Poop sits on our bedroom carpet. She's playing with my handbag, as she often does. Quietly, she removes each item from it and places it on the floor. As she is content, I take some clean towels to the bathroom, fold them, put them away, then go into the spare bedroom, get the vacuum out and wheel it onto the landing.

At which point I look back into our bedroom.

To see Betty, still sat in same spot.



Added by My Funny Mummy on July 19, 2012 at 1:27pm — No Comments

Ol' Square Eyes

While scrolling through the whole plethora of Cartoon Network, CITV and CBeebies our telly subscription affords, I have attempted to convince Boo of the pleasure to be obtained by just sitting staring at the gogglebox. But she doesn't bite. She would prefer to be entertained, 24/7, thank you very much. While her aversion to any audio/visual stimulation is infuriating, her iron will in resisting Justin Fletcher can only be respected and in turn classed as superhuman. That…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 18, 2012 at 2:32pm — No Comments


My first live music concert as a Mum.
Fortunately, my much younger sister had organised it, so, despite my questionable taste in music, it wasn't Will Young or Ronan Keating or Michael Ball or some other well Mumsy choice for once.
It was Alanis Morisette. Rock. Edgy. Cool. Like me.

Full post

Added by My Funny Mummy on July 17, 2012 at 4:13am — No Comments

Baby Walker

When did baby walkers become so inoffensive? 

Twenty years ago when my sister was in one, they were four cheap casters attached to a thin plastic frame with a bit of a canvas seat thingy hanging down.

Even on a shag pile carpet, the laziest, most disinterested of toddlers could manage to whip up a considerable lick, careering heavily into tables, walls and sofas while snipping off the toes of those stupid enough to bare their digits to its mutational…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 16, 2012 at 8:21am — No Comments


Tip for you.

Do not, wherever possible, allow any body part (particularly your head), to make contact with any corner, sharp object or tough surface if said body part is moving with any speed or force. 

Let me elaborate.

If you are crawling speedily across your bedroom carpet toward the exit, keep your eyes fixed firmly on your destination, rather than becoming distracted by the hypnotic movement of your swinging arms. This should ensure you avoid driving the top of your head…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 15, 2012 at 4:38pm — No Comments

Bedtime Reading

I heart this book.

Don't worry; this isn't a review or plug of some sort. My alter ego is not Dorothy Edwards. If it was, I wouldn't be here writing to you lot for free.

I spotted this book in our loft recently, when digging about amongst…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 14, 2012 at 3:36pm — No Comments

Simple Things

Having now fully settled back in at work, I have books to mark, planning to create and the eternal obligation to spend at least 30% of my life carping on about how hard it is being a teacher ("we don't clock off at 3.30pm you know", etc, etc). So most weekday evenings, when I'm not playing a game called "Where The Bloody Hell Are These Flies Still Coming From?", I pretend I'm doing something worthwhile with bits of paper. Consequently, our beautiful little Poop isn't getting much of a…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 13, 2012 at 3:28pm — No Comments

Stop It

Right. That's it. I can't take it anymore.


Why, when their child rolls around a bit on the floor, do parents bang on about how their child is "already crawling"? Crawling involves discernible forward motion, usually generated by transferring weight between the knees and the palms of both hands. 

Scrabbling about, face down on the floor is ABSOLUTELY NOT THE SAME THING.



Added by My Funny Mummy on July 12, 2012 at 1:59pm — No Comments




When I put The Poop down for her lunchtime nap, it seems very much that pain is the name of the game.

Each afternoon, I place her gently on the comfortable mattress with a warm crocheted blanket to nestle calmly under. Ten minutes later, after noting from the monitor much heaving, straining, banging and an assortment of sound effects you would associate with a Looney Tunes cartoon, I return upstairs to witness The Poop's ample thighs threaded painfully through…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 11, 2012 at 2:13pm — No Comments

Stand By Mum

The Poop is pulling herself to standing - ALL THE TIME.

If it is inflatable, soft, rounded, or capable of cushioning a fall in anyway, she's not interested. Whereas if you can find her the corner of a table cloth, a toy on wheels, a towel hanging over a red hot radiator or an anvil balanced precariously over the edge of a ravine, she will race (quite literally) to get to it before you do in order to grasp it to pull herself up. In the bath…

Added by My Funny Mummy on July 10, 2012 at 9:07am — No Comments

Laying Low

Pah! So what, you're thinking. So the cot's on its final level. So it's nearly an actual bed. 

Big deal. Not bothered. Who cares?


I care that I gave birth to my daughter NOT FIVE MINUTES AGO and already we are REDUCING COTS TO THEIR FINAL LEVEL. Excuse me but...HELLO?! 

I don't believe it to be wholly unreasonable for me to feel utterly aggrieved, bereft and INCANDESCENT WITH RAGE that some insensitive joker has made off with more or less the…


Added by My Funny Mummy on July 9, 2012 at 8:35am — No Comments

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