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Amy Musing's Blog (55)

Love is Never Having to Say I'm Sorry, I Met an Old Lover on Facebook and Now I Want a Divorce

http://www.amymusings.com/2010/04/05/love-is-never-having-to-say-im-sorry-i-met-an-old-lover-on-facebook-and-i-want-a-divorce/

Added by Amy Musing on April 5, 2010 at 7:00am — 2 Comments

I Don't Let Just Anyone See My Underwear

My husband and I fold laundry together. It’s one of the only chores we can share and still enjoy each other’s company, not only because it’s the only household job that neither of us has passively and purposely fumbled to get out of, but because we joke around a lot while we’re folding, like we just met.

The conversation is also mixed with nostalgia.

“When did our baby start wearing size 12 jeans?” We hold the boys’ pants up to ourselves and observe how close they are to… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on March 11, 2010 at 11:26am — No Comments

When Did I Turn into THIS!??

You know how on Oprah when she’s interviewing someone who just dropped 150 pounds, she’ll ask, “What was your ah-hah moment, the moment you decided to take action?” Like Jeopardy, I shout out the answer before the contestant: “What is a photograph!”

Sure enough, The Photograph taken of her at a party, wearing stripes that go the wrong way, and spandex stretch pants that accentuate the plate of food on her lap, is plastered on a giant screen and the audience gasps and then applauds.… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on March 7, 2010 at 8:12pm — No Comments

Have You Purchased Ad Space on Social Media?

I am trying out for the first time, purchasing an ad for my website, a humor blog, on Facebook. I thought about purchasing the ad to invite people to become a fan of my fanpage, but am more interested in bringing people to my site. You can link the ad to either.

Since I have a goal to exceed the number of New Visitors to my blog to the level required to afford heat for my home and food for my fridge, perhaps some breath mints, I linked the ad to my blog.

There are two… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on February 25, 2010 at 3:37pm — No Comments

Letting Pawn Stars Raise Our Children

My husband and I are terrible role models. I’m afraid our boys are never going to make it in the real world under our guidance. It’s because of my consummate rose-colored glasses and my husband’s black or white outlook. Our children are not getting a realistic education about the way the world really works. They’re screwed! Naturally, we blame our parents. But at least we’re aware… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on February 24, 2010 at 7:07am — No Comments

Going to Blogher 2010? Want to Avoid Baggage Fees?

Simple tips to make travel more affordable. Don't pay what everyone else is paying. The money you save can be spent on trips to France, England, Italy. See how I did it...[read more HERE]

Added by Amy Musing on February 22, 2010 at 9:21am — No Comments

Jesus Never Made a Pie Like This on Valentine's Day

I have been jonesin’ for a chocolate pudding pie ever since I ovulated I realized Valentine’s Day was coming. I went to the grocery store on VD Eve…

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Added by Amy Musing on February 14, 2010 at 12:48pm — No Comments

Non-Verbal Communication in Marriage: What to Look for What it Means

I consider myself an expert in the field of Non-Verbal Communication. My husband is an engineer, which is to say he has a PhD in Non-Verbal Communication. He was on the Dean’s list when I met him. He flourished under the tutelage of a blue collar step-father, a man of few words: “Who left the milk out?” and “I’m going out.”

I am psychic. I can read my mind. I think everyone else should be able to, too. Especially if we’ve spent more than an hour trauma bonding. Or if we’ve been… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on February 8, 2010 at 8:09am — No Comments

The Book Wasn't Worth it but the Revenge Was

I did not walk into the library today with the intention of playing head games with the brittle-boned, fastidious, In-Rules-We-Trust librarian. But she, and her rule fixation, drove me to it. Two polar opposites come together and you get this sort of chemical reaction.

She is eyeing me in my sweats and frizzy curls. I am eyeing her beige, ironed…is that a Dorothy Hamill haircut? I almost say it out loud. The way I would shout with excitement: Is that an original Spyrograph?!!! if I… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on February 1, 2010 at 2:44pm — No Comments

It Runs in the Family and There is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

I should have known my life would resemble tectonic plates not meant to hold still when my first sentence at the age of nine months was “eff routine”. I didn’t say it out loud, of course, or even know the words. But inside I felt their meaning. I couldn’t walk or talk yet, but I threw myself into the part. A restless method actor.

I knew, when at a year and a half, I reached over the top of my net playpen for the scissors my sister left too close to the edge of the dining room table,… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on January 28, 2010 at 11:22am — No Comments

Yeah, Kid, But Can Your Mom Do This?

I envy people who can play seven unrelated instruments while singing the words to any song, know their way around O’Hare the first time landing there and make their connection just in time, cook and entertain simultaneously (it’s not as easy as it seems), negotiate a deal on a house for tens of thousands off the asking price and get the house even though they weren’t the highest bidder, or land the job even though they weren’t the most qualified but could fake the jobspeak the… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on January 11, 2010 at 6:11am — No Comments

No, really, I'm an idiot

The last day of school before winter break I had a little cold that lasted for three days. I thought it was allergies, set off from being inside a school. I’m either allergic to the cleaning chemicals or the dirty, recirculated air or memories planted deep in my subconscious. The allergies linger for three days. Whatever. I don’t think anything of it. I’m fine.

Winter break comes and my husband, Skye, gets “the cold” that was, for me, just allergies. Only he’s crabby, coughing,… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on January 5, 2010 at 12:07pm — No Comments

Online Dating Turns into a Leap of Faith Called a One-Way Ticket

My friend Dan’s nervous ex-wife, Helen Who Hates Me, asked me for a ride to the airport. If you look up desperate in the dictionary, you will see this example of the proper use of the word: Helen was so desperate for a ride to the airport, she called a friend of her ex-husband whom she hates. It depends on the dictionary. I bet Helen has that very edition and needed to look up the spelling of desperate for an article she was writing, and like a horoscope, or a quote on the tag of a tea bag,… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on December 29, 2009 at 6:33pm — No Comments

Gift Giving - It's the Thought that Counts, Right?

My husband bought me a fantasy.
http://www.amymusings.com/2009/12/24/gift-giving-its-the-thought-that-counts-2/

Added by Amy Musing on December 24, 2009 at 12:32pm — No Comments

The Way We Communicate is a Necessary Distraction from What We're Hearing

My sister Judy called last night. It has been since I lived in New York, and we were both in therapy to heal us of our non-dramatic childhoods, that we’ve spoken on the phone. I wasn’t sure if this was going to be one of those conversations that has no map and starts out tentatively to see if I’m in the mood, or if she was stalling on telling me something important, as a way of letting me know “this is important”, the way some people say, “Are you sitting down?” before they deliver big… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on December 21, 2009 at 12:43pm — No Comments

If this were Non-fiction, I'd be a Bad Mom

They say boredom is what turns good people to crime. And that’s exactly what happened last night. Crime was happening in the ‘hood and we know the people who did it! We ARE the people who did it! (this is fiction) And it was a blast. Until we found out the fun we were having is illegal.

Did you know you can get arrested for “inciting panic” by shining a laser pointer in someone else’s house???

My neighbors didn’t look panicked when my sons pointed the laser into their… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on December 15, 2009 at 1:00pm — No Comments

If You See a Guy with This Expression, Run Away!!

ven though I told myself I would never ever do this on a weekend, I found myself, yet again, in the crowded grocery store on Sunday. I needed to go up the bread aisle and there was a man coming my way, pushing a cart. He looked like he wasn’t used to grocery shopping or pushing a cart, or being anyplace, really, other than a golf course or a leather couch, smoking a cigar and dusting off his reading glasses with an Egyptian linen handkerchief that has his initials embroidered on the diagonal of… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on December 15, 2009 at 7:39am — No Comments

Recycle E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!

http://www.amymusings.com/2009/12/11/tipper-gore-tore-up-my-christmas-card/

Added by Amy Musing on December 11, 2009 at 10:27am — No Comments

My First Neutering

I went to a bridal party once. If there were any bridal parties after that that I was invited to, I probably avoided them. A woman right out of high school, whom I’d met at the Bun n’ Cone (don’t laugh, that’s the real name), invited me to come to the party at her house that evening after work, and to the wedding the following day.

I felt a little uncomfortable going to her wedding. I didn’t know anyone, including her, really, but I went to her house that night because of the look on… Continue

Added by Amy Musing on December 9, 2009 at 6:38am — No Comments