I had closed myself up inside my home for quite some time, years, in fear of what was in the dating pool only to find out that yep, still nothing. As I mustered through this date, tallying up the strikes, I stopped counting after ten and so, here’s 10 ways he ruined the first date. But first, grab a cocktail or a glass of your favorite wine or champagne and prepare to laugh out loud with me or at me as the Virgo in me over-analyze the heck out of this FIRST DATE I went on less than 24 hours after the introduction. It will start off long, but it will get shorter, as did my patience whilst enduring this date.
A moment of truth and transparency. There were red flags when we met in which I shouldn’t have ignored:
He introduced himself as he was leaving the lounge, we were at… quickly stating that he was single, not married, noticed me and was interested in getting to know me if I were single. We exchanged cards and numbers and he left. (Nothing wrong so far) I assumed he would call the next day. However, as soon as he departed, he began to text asking if he could call as if I wasn’t still in the loud, noisy and busy lounge enjoying myself. If he had time to talk, he should have just stayed there to talk.
Saying you’re beautiful, successful and then following up with asking, “What’s wrong with you? The assumption should never be that something is wrong with a person because they are single. If he were an active listener, he would have heard me say that I know how to be alone, I am happy with myself and that I am not interested in settling. (that’s why I am single) NOTE: Being single is not death row. Geez guys.
As soon as I let him know I made it home and was going to sleep, he called. I expressed that it was late and that I was tired and that I was taking a shower and going to bed. To which he replies that he is going to take a shower and will call me in 20 min. (he didn’t listen) He called 10 minutes later. (I shouldn’t have answered the phone)
He asked me where I wanted to go for dinner and when I told him where I wanted to go for a delicious cobb salad, he told me where he wanted to go and that’s what he decided on. (I really should have turned down dinner) instead, I made my plan to order the $6 Caesar side salad as my dinner because my gut told me to keep this date short.
I told him that I would be sleeping in late because it was the weekend, but he still began sending text messages early the next morning, including selfies. (I should have never accepted the dinner invite)
Before dinner, I could already sense his insecurities. (I should have trusted my gut)
- Dishonoring my request to address me by my name: Less than 24 hours after making his acquaintance we met up for dinner and by then he had dug up my full name online and insisted on calling me by my first name instead of my middle name I’d given him when we exchanged business cards. I corrected him the first time and asked him to address me by the name I shared with him. While continuing to butcher my first name which is one of the reason that I didn’t share it, I corrected him and politely asked him to address me by the name I shared. By the third time, just to get under my skin pronouncing it incorrectly and laughing about it, I felt as though it was a childish display of behavior for a 55 year old man, a violation and disrespectful not to mention insensitive as he ignored the reasons as to why I chose not to use the name and he went into assumptions as to why I used my middle name on a business card, suggesting that I was hiding something. This brings me to the next way to ruin a first date.
- Not being an active listener: I shared reasons why I did not use my first name on my business card, and I also shared the reasons I use my middle name instead, as the namesake is 1/3 of my brand and it’s also my sons’ name. He did not listen to the intricate detail and that showed me that he was not fully-vested in the conversation from the standpoint of getting to know me beyond what he thought or assumed. This also set the tone for the duration of dinner.
- Asking, “What is your type?” My response: “An active listener, and effective communicator…” I was then interrupted and asked, “What is your type with regards to physical attributes in a man?” SMH! Inserts my silent OPINION: If you express interest in dating a woman, after which you exchange numbers and offer to take her out to dinner….the question of her type is then off the table. Why? Because asking her to dinner w/o asking this first, implies that you don’t care what her type is. You stand the chance of getting your feelings hurt when learning that you are physically not her usual “type” after a $100.00 dinner and now it’s uncomfortable for the both of us. Asking this is also indicative of your insecurities. It’s a preliminary conversation that should be had beforehand if it matters to you that you are her type. He seemed very insecure.
- Badgering with repeatedly asking the same question/Insisting on a different answer to a question when asking the same personal question about my choice to do or not to do something: When a man continues to ask the same question and seemingly becomes more frustrated when given the same answer, it gives… he does not believe me, he’s not competent nor is he comprehending, all of which are a turn off. Furthermore, to elude to having gossip info on me and not being straight forward is a sure way to ruin the first date. It wreaks, I heard something different but he’s too coward to ask the question he wants to ask. I always tell people that if you believe there’s more to the story, then there must be another question. Ask the other question.
- Contradicting himself multiple times in the conversation: To just about every stance he took on a situation/ conversational scenario, if I were to have a difference in opinion, he switched up his stance, went back on his word, contradicted everything he said and it gave wishy-washy, inconsistent, unstable and dishonest.
- Trashing his child’s mother: This is an absolute NO-NO. It’s the hands down approach to ruin a first date and never get a second one.
- Trashing his ex: So, you’ve already trashed your child’s mother and now, you trash the two most recent people you have dated.
- Repeating his job title: This was exhausting, and I almost fell asleep and fell off my chair after he mentioned it the 10th
- Continuing to bait for information about my ex: Rather than to entertain discussions to get to know me and how we could add value to one another’s life as I imagine people should do if they are interested in dating; his energy was focused on my past relationship and invalidating my choices when it came to valuating and putting my son’s needs first… continuing to refer to what “women/mothers would usually/normally do.” If you are so unfamiliar with and unaccustomed to things happening that are traditionally out of the norm, you are certainly telling me that you do not pair well with life and all of its surprises and objecting to how I parent/cater to the growing needs of my child is an automatic no for me.
- Expecting a kiss after my portion of dinner was $8 tax included: The audacity. I am being funny…by no means am I implying that if the dinner was more expensive then he deserved a kiss… the point is that if he had listened during dinner and truly got to know me, he would have known that I do not offer up my mouth to a man I have only known for 24-hours. No matter the cost of the meal. He did not take that well.
By this point, after being disrespected and insulted and feeling as though the date was a total waste of my time having to leave without receiving any mental stimulation, I knew we were not compatible and I used my busy schedule as the reason I was not interested in dating once he asked. He then told me not to expect him to be available when I do become available. I couldn’t help but laugh. Men will do all these things and then walk away, labeling a woman as crazy for rejecting a second date. I should not have ignored the red flags.
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