What do you mean toilet paper isn't considered a necessity?

Peter and I caught a show called Man vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel (I KNOW! Like watching the smartzy stuff, no Sci-Fi channel or bemoaning the fact that Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t start for another couple of weeks, aren’t you proud of us?).

We were intrigued when the guy, Bear Grylls…who’s kind of hot in an oozing testosterone and manliness out of his pores kind of way, IF you’re into that whole macho thing….poked around at a 6-foot alligator with a stick. We didn’t yet know the premise of the show, or WHY he was poking at an alligator with a stick while mumbling about how it could totally kill him, make him suffer a painful and excruciating death, and how if you had half a brain you would never TRY.THIS.AT.HOME.

AS IF! I once nearly killed myself trying to get away from a frog, I don’t think going out of my way to tick off an animal famous for a move called ” the death roll” is gonna be happening any time soon.

The next thing you know, Bear is hopping on the alligator’s back and telling us how to most efficiently kill the alligator before it kills you. ON ITS BACK! Did I mention that this was a 6-foot swamp gator in the bayou in New Orleans? Just hopped on it’s back like it was a pony….a pony that had its spinal cord severed 12 seconds later by the exceptionally sharp and scary knife he carries around.

Then he slung the dead animal over his shoulder and trotted off with it, talking about what a good eat it was going to be.

Nom Nom Nom.

Yeah. Why, again?

I have no idea.

We finally got the premise of the show and all became clear (while still mildly insane). Bear gets dropped off into the middle of nowhere with nothing but his knife and has to Rambo his way out of there, finding food, water, shelter and protecting himself from whatever wild things might want to maul eviscerate hurt him.

During this one episode he:

* Produced fire with his knife
* Killed, gutted and ate the alligator
* Rubbed the alligator fat all over his skin because it apparently repels mosquitoes like some form of bayou OFF
* Made a bed up in a tree with nothing some sticks and Spanish moss
* Built a raft to cross a snake and alligator infested river….out of some rotted wooden planks
* Used his HAND as bait for a 20 pound catfish to nibble on…which he then gutted and ate raw
* Peed on himself (an ongoing theme) when his hand is nicked with poison…and I mean PEED ON PURPOSE, not because he freaked out and peed himself accidentally the way I would
* Navigated his way out of the bayou based on things l like slope of the land and tree moss

Did I ever tell you about the time I got lost in a Wal-mart parking lot? 20 minutes, people!

Ok, class, let’s see if we can figure out where this man lost his mind. Was it before or after he rubbed alligator cellulite on his forehead or perhaps the minute he chose to stick his entire hand into the base of a rotted tree under water, hoping a fish and not a gator BIT.HIS.FINGERS!

It could not be more clear, more perfectly defined than during the watching of this show that should the end of days come and we are reduced to scavenging and foraging in the wilds for survival, I will be:

* The person rationing out the Skittles as life sustaining nutrition
* Suddenly vegetarian
* Frantically looking for a copy of “The Wilderness Survival Guide”, and if unable to be found, a copy of the final book in Stephen King’s gunslinger series, which I’ve yet to finish…so it would seem like a good time to stay busy, right?
* Hanging out by a Dick’s Sporting Goods store, as it seems a likely place to find weapons and outdoorsy, survival-y necessities…like sunscreen and chapstick
* Over here, NOT peeing on myself
* Utterly and completely useless

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