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Appropriate on the night I serve only side dishes for dinner

Today is all about randomness. No real reason, just lots of little bite-sized niblets of Mayhew goodness.

Sleep:

I had the chance to unload my kids on their Grandmother for the night and treat myself to a late night movie. Movie was a no go…as SOMEONE should be skinned alive for not possessing the simple skill of telling time! I now possessed an empty house and all the time in the world. I ran a luscious bath full of blistering hot water, sweetly scented bubbles, and a book that I anticipated would complete some empty part of me. I got in the bath and just sighhhhed in happiness.

45 minutes later, I woke up and the water was frigid, the bubbles had fizzled down to a waxy cloud and my skin texture put me on the short list for those California Raison auditions. Unsatisfying in ways that I can’t begin to explain!

To make up for this travesty of relaxation, I went to bed practically giddy at the thought of a night of sustained, uninterrupted sleep! As my kids would not be dropped off at home until 11 AM, I was going to be sleeping long and late.

FOR REAL, people! I woke up no less than 5 times in the night, trying to figure out what was so wrong…answer? It was too quiet. I can’t sleep without the fidgeting and squirming and all the heavy breathing in the house. At 8 AM, I looked over at the clock, noted the time, took stock of the fully alert condition of my senses and shed a tear over the fact that I would not be going back to sleep.

My children are ruining me!
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Planning ahead:

My response to Peter, worried he’d get shot at during a confrontation? “Hey, if he comes in shooting, make sure to scream ‘Shoot to kill! Not to maim!’ Cause I get no insurance money if you’re in a coma.”

Was that wrong?
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Search Engine Keywords

One cool feature of StatCounter (which is the software that allows us to see how many people hit our site) is that it will tell us what keyword searches were used in a search engine to get to our site. Some of these include:

“wetshirt tournament”
“Brad Richard scores”
“pepto-bismol for canines”
“EMLA cream past expiration date safe to use?”
“bum numb lotion”
“fanny paddled mom”

and my FAVORITE

“Peter Mayhew as +sasquatch”
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Stupid people at Starbucks

“What can I get that tastes like coffee?”

“Almost everything tastes like coffee.”

“Well, don’t you have like a coffee-flavored syrup or something?”

“No, we just have the coffee.”

“I want something that TASTES like coffee, but ISN’T coffee”

“Everything that we have that TASTES like coffee IS coffee.”

“But I don’t LIKE coffee!”

“But you want it to TASTE like coffee?”

“Yes.”

SPRWEWWERT!
That’s the sound my brain makes when it explodes and tries to ooze out of my ear.

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My and my Dearest Friend discussing last time we went out to the Melting Pot together

Me - Remember that time we went to Melting Pot?

DF - Ohhh yeah, we should do that again soon.”

Me – Remember that movie we were supposed to see after?

DF – Why didn’t we go see it?

Me – Because we fell asleep in your van in the parking lot of the Melting Pot, with our zippers undone, trying desperately to digest enough food to make it to an upright position again. We argued about which one of us had to try to roll over and get a phone to call 911.

DF – Oh. Right. Yeah, we should definitely do that again soon. OHH, Maybe for my birthday.

Me – Because nothing says “Happy Birthday” like a stress-induced bursting of the upper intestines.
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Why Nathaniel will always be Peter’s favorite

Pete – I like being bald now

Nathaniel – You’re not bald, Dad, you’re thinning

Because the words NOT BALD and YOU’RE THIN strung in the same sentence make the clouds part and hosts of angels sing in Peter’s head.

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Another reason why Nathaniel will always be Peter’s favorite

Nathaniel – I want a Batmobile

Peter – (giddily!) Want to build one?

Nathaniel – In real life?

Peter – YEAH!

Nathaniel – Cool.

Because we should all have someone who lives to indulge our particular brand of crazy. Even if we have to breed them.

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