"As-Salaam-Alaikum," "Peace be unto you"
A Day in the Life of ejnosillA: Another Mother's Day... and I'm Missing My Mommie!!!
Mother’s Day is a time of year that we Queens celebrate our mothers and it gives us a wonderful opportunity to spend the day giving her our undivided attention. It’s a day were we… mothers… can lay back and relax and let our children take care of us for once… well at least in theory… It’s the one day of the year that you reflect and show that special Queen in your life how special she is and how much we appreciate her sacrifices while raising our hard-heads… it’s a time of remembering... laughing and celebrating your Queen! Well... Ladies... Mother’s Day for me is a bittersweet time of the year…
Although, I joke about my children… my Mother’s Day is all of that... and a bag of chips... for me because I have the FAB Five and they always treat me like a Queen… even when I am cutting up… they always make me feel special… loved and appreciated… that’s the sweet part of Mother’s Day… I get to really show out and be a Diva… but the bitter part for me... is that my own Queen Mother isn’t around for me to honor her!
My beloved mother passed in April 2008… almost a month before her birthday… yes… not only do I have to deal with the loss of my mom on Mother’s Day… but I must relive these bittersweet emotions on the 20th of May because that is her birthday! However, over time… the pain and the emptiness of losing my mother has subsided some, but I know that I will never truly get over her death… although the hole in my heart grows smaller each day… I will never truly heal.
This time of year, is my bittersweet reminder of the hole in my heart… but as I sit here tearfully writing this blog… I realize that this year is not as bad as last year… and I truly believe that next year will be better than today… because each year… it gets a little easier… minute by minute… hour by hour… day by day… and so on.
Ladies… if you find yourself being faced with bittersweet emotions on Mother’s Day because your Queen is no longer with you to celebrate… trust me… I know it’s hard and an emotionally trying day of the year… and maybe you feel a sense of helplessness about your situation… and maybe feeling some bittersweet emotions… but I do have some suggestions that might make this day more sweet and less bitter…. Let’s begin…
First Step… You Need to Accept She is Gone… So, Talk About Her
Ladies… my first suggestion is that you need to accept that she is gone… so you must talk about her and your feelings about the situation. At first when my mother died… it was hard for me to talk about her… it was hard to even think about her because the loss was so deep and I would just break down and cry… I found myself living life… but I wasn’t living… I had consumed myself with school and work… trying my best not to think about her… my mom… I was in denial and I really didn’t want to accept the fact she was gone.
I knew that there would be good days and bad days… I knew that I had to be strong for my family… so I didn’t allow myself to be seen crying or publicly grieving… I really didn’t want the attention and I knew if I broke down… it would be like a chain reaction within my family. However, those sentiments prolonged my grieving and healing process. I was oftentimes moody… depressed… finally all those emotions came flooding out… out of nowhere…
See… after my mom died… for months I avoided the ladies within my Sista Circle… refusing to see them, but would take their calls… but would rush them off the phone… however… one of my friends… who is near and dear to my heart… decided that she had enough of me avoiding her and bogarted her way into my house…
As usual we sat down and began to talk… I was a little annoyed about the intrusion, but when she pulled out the “spirits” from her little brown bag… we were all good… anyways… As we were sitting... shooting the breeze and the alcoholic drink started to work its magic… I began to loosen up… she took this moment to bring up my mom… as I began to talk and reminisce about my mom… I felt a tear coming down my face… and then all of a sudden… my friend yelled out… and like to scared me to death… she blurted out:
“OH NO... MS. ALLISON… NOOOOOOOOOOOO… Ms. Allison… WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE YOU... Ohhh… Why did you leave me… oh… Ms. Allison… What am I going to do… without you… Ohhhh… Ms. Allison… Please come back… I NEED YOU?!?” And then she fell out onto the floor crying…
Now… I am sitting there with that one lonely tear drying up on my face… and looking at this fool wailing around on the floor like a two-year-old having a fit because her mommy took her candy from her… I'm looking real confused right about now… and thinking to myself with my arms folded across my chest... while slowing shaking my head... right to left...
“What kind of foolishness is this... if she doesn't get her crazy self off the floor?!?”
Now, in my mind… and please let me know in the comments if I'm wrong... but I thought... she was supposed to be consoling me and now I’m supposed to be consoling her… over the loss of MY mother… but her crazy antics made me laugh… I laughed so hard that I forgot she was wailing on the floor… and suddenly… that laughter turned to tears… between the laughter and the tears… in that moment… I gave myself permission to grieve and to take all the time I needed to get through my grieving process… I finally allowed myself to release all the negative pain that I was holding onto in order for me to begin the healing process…
Oh yeah… I eventually helped crazy up off the floor… but without her unusual shenanigans… it would have taken me longer to begin the healing process… or even begin to talk about my mother. So… in order for you to start your healing process… you must accept that your beloved mom is no longer with you… but talking about her will ease the pain and allow you to begin your healing process…. Just Saying!
Write a Letter to Your Mom
For the first couple of years… after my mother died… I oftentimes found myself going by the Mother’s Day cards displays in various stores… reading all the cards to pick out that special one for my Queen… but then I would realize that she was gone and I became overwhelmingly sad.
Just like I would try to buy her Mother’s Day cards… I would try to call her… I can’t tell you how many times I have picked up the phone and tried to call my mom. This went on for a long time… I eventually made myself forget her number so I wouldn’t call her phone number anymore… that is how bad it had gotten for me…
Then a dear friend suggested that I try writing my mom a letter… to tell her how much I miss and love her… I took her much needed advice and sat down to write my Dear Momma letter. I wrote it as if I were talking to her face-to-face… one-on-one… telling her about my life… my goals… my failures… my ups and downs… the grandkids… my job… my relationships… yep… I wrote about the good with the bad… but shared everything that I wanted... needed to tell her… so…
Ladies… I am passing this tad bit of wisdom along… this is your opportunity to get it all out and to tell your mom everything! This process might make you feel a little sad… depending on the time from her passing and were you are at in your healing process… but I promise you… it will make you feel good to get it all out and will lighten your emotional load… so unburden yourself to the one woman who loved you the most on this earth… your beloved mom.
If you are finding it difficult or too emotional to write a complete letter… than start with listing the 10 things that you love about your mom… and then build from there. There is isn’t a time limit to this exercise… it’s all about you and when you feel the need or the want to do this… so take your time!
After you are finished with this heartfelt letter… you can throw it away or tuck it somewhere safe so you can reflect on it later. When I finally mustered up the courage to write my letter… I cried while I wrote it… took breaks because I got so emotional… but I did feel as if a burden was lifted off of me. I was able to tell my mom everything and now when I reflect on this letter… yes… I get misty eyed… but I smile as I read it.
See… it allows me to see my growth about this situation as well as others… it reminded me of goals that I accomplished and others that I have forgotten because as I have experienced various She-Piphany Moments… those dreams or goals have changed… so it started out as a way for me to deal with the loss of my mother… and a way to connect to her while allowing me to see my emotional growth about her passing as well as which goals I have accomplished and still need to work on.
Start Your Own Traditions in Your Mother’s Honor
On Mother’s Day… and really any holiday that reminds me of my mom… I try to keep her memory alive by still honoring her by doing whatever she loved to do in life or on the holidays. For example, my mom loved Disney movies and had an impressive Disney collection. Every holiday after the guests left… we would all try to curl up on the couch with her… now, just imagine three grown kids and my little brother trying to curl up with my mom on a love seat and arguing because we all had to be next to her…
Well… now she is no longer physically here… I have my own collection of Disney movies and the ones that I don’t have I just wait to DVR them and we watch them as a family... it’s funny how history repeats… now my three grown children and my 13-year-old twins, all fight and argue about who is going to lay next to me in my bed… we laugh and reminisce about my mom… it makes it as if she is still with us… laughing and clowning right along with us.
So… if your mom liked to cook or bake… incorporate one of her signature dishes in your Mother’s Day menu… if she liked to go to the movies… then maybe rent her favorite movies and watch them at your family gatherings… or play her favorite band or artist and “cut a rug” in her honor… There is so much that you can do on this day to honor your beloved mother even though she isn’t physically here.
Visit Your Mom and Bring Her Flowers
Visiting your mom and bringing her flowers can make you feel real close to your beloved mom. Sitting by her resting place while talking to her might make you feel like you are connecting with her and gives you the opportunity to honor her on Mother’s Day… and gives you some one-on-one reflection time.
If the feeling of going to your mom’s resting place is too emotional to bare at this time… which is understandable… than pick a spot that will be less emotional for you to honor your mom… maybe go to some quiet spot she liked to visit… or her favorite shady part of your local park… sit at her favorite bench… talk to her and leave her flowers there. This is about you honoring your mom on Mother’s Day… the way you see fit and fill in your heart.
Donate Your Time by Visiting Another Mother in Need
Mother’s Day might feel like a lonely and emotional day for you… so instead of being alone… why not consider donating your time to visit with another mother on Mother’s Day. Is there a friend of your beloved mother that is alone on Mother’s Day?
Someone who can understand you and you can visit with that can lift your spirits as well as theirs. I have found that ever since my mom died… most of her friends rely on me as a source of comfort about her loss… meaning… when they spend time with me… reminiscing about their “good ole days,” it’s like they are connecting with her through me. By me giving them the opportunity to talk to me about my mom… it’s like that bond is being reinforced and lives on through me… her daughter.
Another option is to donate your time with other mothers at a senior citizen facility or center. Some of these mothers spend their Mother’s Day alone and may not have any regular visitors. I remember… after my mom died… I volunteered to spend part of my Mother’s Day visiting with women whose children couldn’t be there with them… for whatever reason… I took the FAB Five with me and we had a ball…it allowed me to give back and take my mind off of the hole in my heart.
So… Ladies… if you are up to it… why not volunteer some of your time to another mother on Mother’s Day… It will make you feel better and will take your mind off of the loss of your beloved mom. My mom would always say that charity begins at home… and she was known for her “spirit of giving” and left her children with the same “spirit of giving…” why not keep your mom’s spirit alive by giving your time to another mother that’s in need on Mother’s Day… Just Saying?!?
ejnosillA’s Final Thoughts
In closing… I know that missing our beloved moms on Mother’s Day is inevitable and can be a depressing time of year. However, it doesn’t have to be… for YOU… or ME! See… how you choose to spend your Mother’s Day really depends on you… If you decide to spend the day grieving… that’s just fine with me… you must listen to your heart… But….
Don’t take too long in this state because you might get stuck in your grieving process… this can make it longer for you to begin to accept the loss of your mom… and you will be prolonging your healing process… trust me… I know… but… at the end of the day… it’s all up to you to decide on how you want to spend or even feel on Mother’s Day. Whether you decided to rock out on Mother’s Day or sit quietly at home reflecting on your mom… do whatever makes you feel good and helps you get through this trying time…
So… however you decide to honor your mom on Sunday… I know it will reflect how much you miss her… and your unconditional love for your mom on Mother’s Day… Just Saying!
As usual … Stay Blessed Queens and Happy Mother’s Day!!!