So couldn't find her belt, forget to get my own clothes out to take her
to school in, failed to make sure bread was in the house, and had only
20 minutes to charge the camerae.... apparently her new shoes are too
small!!!! when two days before they fit perfectly "do they feel ok?"
"yes mooooom... i'm so tired of school stuff"

( i know Trina and mom.. blushes) and her shirt is a bit too short to
be tucked in.. Her hair was a bit fuzzy ( i know picky momma) and the
washcloth was some how missing. she didn't get much time to eat the
muffins and I almost forgot to take the camera off the charger when we
were leaving the house too late. smiles.

Her sister screamed the top of her lungs... Zahra walked over to her
after completely dressed and shoes and clothes and belt daddy found and
the sandwich only daddy whipped up out the thin air. she walked over to
her baby sister gave her a big huge hug and a kiss and said " don't
worry Tahira, you're sister will be back soon. it's ok"

The girl surprises me every day. and her big bright eyes were all happy
to start school. I had no problem getting her up this morning all I
said was wake up sweetie, first day of school.. she got up straight
away. was so excited to put on her uniform..

" mom, when i was watching Hanna Montana, teenagers wear uniforms too"
"yep some do"
" if teenagers wear them, why is it ok for big kids to wear them too?"
" lol teenagers don't do everything that kids can't do Zahra, kids can do a lot of things too.. like wear uniforms"
" ugh ( rolls eyes) why do you keep telling me that?"
" what? that kids can do a lot of things too?"
" Yeah (duh)"
" Because ( lol) you keep asking me!"

managed to snap in some top model picks and on the short ... 2 1/2
minute drive to school, Zahra sat in the back seat, narrating the

" And so " she said out of the blue
" Zahra's mommy drove her to school and was so excited, Zahra was
excited too. Her little sister cried and cried but Zahra huged her and
told her it's all ok"

I was cracking up in the front seat.. writers for parents... hummm.. grins grins Masha'Allah.

There were no parking spaces.. none.. and the one I did find ( by
Allah's grace) was in between two king sized SUV's that should be
parked in a special area like semi's. My car went retarded and slid in
side ways.. ( what the?) it felt all wrong, and before i could
disappear the driver of the black SUV the size of the sun came
strolling out. I sat in the car like dang. don't you hate that. i WAS
parked in the lines though... kinda. i made just barely slide between
our two cars and made it out... and he stood there..

" You don't have your license do you?" Big brotha the size of his SUV sporting a White T and some blue jeans ( aww Philly flash) looking
at me side ways with a crooked
no-none-sense attitude
" hahaha I know right!!"
I giggled my way through his irritation and he became a pleasant
" no problem i can get out"
(uhm, stiilll got it! *winks*) I took the child, grabbed the back pack
filled with; roll of paper towels, two cute tinker bell folders ( o...
well just saw the two folders atop my dresser... shrugs) two boxes of
whips and who knows what else besides books and normal school supplies.
Lunch box, and plastic bag stuffed with a pair of socks and gym shoes..
gym shoes?
" make sure they have a pair of sneakers because they have gym and we
don't want to scuff up the floor" ( omg, they have a real gym!! sooo
cute awwwww )

We hustled to the building, teachers greeting and " tuck in your
shirts" (hmmm not in my ear please..) large tall kids running and
trampling over small midgets. Blue and white all around like seas and
sails... lines and lines of parents and kids who did not come to the "
meet the teacher and find your class room day" the day before.

We passed them all, me holding loosely at the small hand at ten minutes
past the time we were supposed to be there. (o whatever everyone is
" So.. you feeling ok?"
" yeah"
" you know, Allah is always with you ok?"
" yeah"
" I'm gonna drop you off ok, right and be back at 3:30 after school right "
" yeah"
... " why you walking like that?"
" nothing.. it's just these shoes are so tight"
( HUH??)
"they are?"
" yeah"
" do they hurt?"
" looks like that do"
" no"
we make it to room two. The class is filled with white and blue and
little did i know my child was NOT the ONLY fly baby with a kindergaten
swagger! O my Lord these kids were styln profil'n, not one had a dirty
face or a stain of half eat'n glue on the lips...
( dang Simpson's influencing my concept of firttimeschoolers) So many
big little kids... so adorbale, my kid hust fit right in. I went to put
her back pack in her cubby.. was already fillied ( huh??) and the other
were too,
" just put it in anyone.. "
( well if that was the case.. why have them labeled with names???)
Whatever.. shrugs long as you aint gonna be offering flip flop
education to my child, then we straight.

The time comes... I walk over to the child whose stunned with the
reality that she will now be left alone with a class room filled with
blue and white midgets... her little flower face and bright eyes
looking at her too tight pair of too adorable shoes she loves too much
to admit hurt her kindergarten toes, and the shirt that won't quite fit
into her pretty blue pants.... She never looked more beautiful.

" Hey little love"
" huh?"
" you ok?"
" uhuh"
"come on over and find your name on your chair, remember where it was?"
i walked with her over to it, where two other beautiful creamy milk
chocolate faced growing too fast babies sat, in a box made up of four
tables and chairs ( hey i remember that desk set up back in my day).
" Hi guys,"
i said all 'mommy trying to get her kid to feel comfy in an uncombable
situation' like. They looked up too engaged in their coloring book to
pay much attention, and in trying to block out the separation anxiety
of their missing parents... or not... shrugs.. maybe they just didn't
like me? ( dang kids)
" what's your names?"
I asked, i know they were 'like omg are you serious?' yeah i'm annoying
whatever, but seriously though what's your name. so they all sat down
together and colored...
" i'm gonna go now ok"
" ok"
"You're good "
"ok.. i'll be to pick you up after school Insha'Allah ok.."
" ok"
" every thing's gonna be just fine ok?"
" ok"
"high five!"
my over animated behavior always loosens her up. if anything just to
see how amazingly strange her momma is... well I'll take the bullet for
her happiness... for as long as it makes her happy anyway. ( omg mom..
you are sooo strange ... ' dang third graders')

Soon as I walked through the door back out of the class room, the sight
of children in the hall went blurry. No more blue and white, just a
mixture of colors combined with hair and beads and braids flapping
around me.
The noise swifted by me like the wind outside and my tears were chocking me at the back of my throat.

How could it be so sad for her to be so happy?

Walking out I passed a first timer and a her babies coming in, smiled
and kept going, trying hard to fight myself and the invisible meat
grinder in my stomach. Seemed like my car was soo far away, ( how did
the parking lot grow so fast?) some how a part of me thought that if i
walked really fast, i would lose the feelings to the dust behind me.

I got in the car and the parking lot cleared, I drove passed this, and
turned here. Stop light, red light, green light, beeeeeeeep, turn,
drive school bus, yard, trash man, "wow dude, almost hit me with that
chair" front yard, garage door, parking inside... home. Some how though
the feelings managed to catch up with me and hit me one time for being
a smart a**... had to swallow it, but chocked on it, and it burned on
the way down. Some how had to remind myself that she's fine..

But it's not really even about her being fine.. is it?

We like to make it out to be the kids.. yeah of course we got the
anxiety 'oo hope she'll be ok don't hurt my baby' ... but it's more so
us and our crap we got packed away in the package behind the
refrigerator that only comes out on our kid's special occasions where
at times their small frames and innocent smiles remind us of how once
there was a child within us who was so similar.... The difference
between us and them, the distance between then and now.. some how we
imagine, if those days for us were good days, then these days for them
should be too. Then.. if those days for us were bad days, the fears
creep from behind us and try to interfere with the knowledge that...
they and us are not the same.. then and now are very different. I
smiled after sitting there for a moment, the tears still swimming down
the passage of my throat and tingling in my heart. The morning drifted
by in a timeless memory and I walked inside the house....

So I am a mother of a kindergärtner now, officially. Since the day she
was born I on Dec. 23, 2003, I have prepared her for this day. August
10 2009. And I think... it was time well spent.

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