Altered images, I have adapted, evolved changed to fit my surroundings, blend in, or so I thought. After watching the video of the pep rally in the last post, I decided I would change, HA not my anxiety, but my appearance there of. Typically before I would try to look decent but I never was all that concerned with how I dressed or keeping up with tends, as a mom, I was looking for durability, what would look cleaner longer- with small children- and comfort. So yes I dressed like all the other "lazy" moms. Yes there were lots of yoga pants.
So over a few years of a general build up and much encouragement from my picky-dressed child, I started to dress more confident and be more aware of my own body language. To constantly be thinking about how my placement should be. Over time and catching myself in the background of videos from the school. I didn't see the awkward fumbling, (I didn't become graceful-still clumsy) but I appeared to not be freaking out on the inside that had shined thru a few too many time. I was pretty proud of myself, things that had not changed, still the other parents didn't talk to me, I was insecure all the time, still had issues in certain times.
But how my outer self altered the image it was much better. I was getting very good at hiding behind my fake front I applied to social actions. So another mandatory volunteer job I had to do for the school. I show up early and get in there to warm up to the room, meaning be there while it fills up and not walking into a full room, and another mom I had seen through out our kids going to school. She started to talk to me, and that was fine being still a small setting, what she had said to me made me rethink how I was doing with my fake frontal, "This was very refreshing, everyone thinks you are unapproachable!" I stare at her for what feels like hours with I'm sure to be the what the fuck look on my face. I asked her why unapproachable? She sat back in her chair slowly rethinking her choice of words as I wait for a response. "well, its not that you are unapproachable but you are a very business-y person" I smile at her and laugh, "its ok, I suffer from resting bitch face" and she squirms in her seat knowing this is going to be a long few hours, and how should should have just left it alone and not even spoke to me. As her voice squeaks from I'm sure to be the cringing in her guts.
She changes the subject to something uplifting like the school fund raiser. Slowly working out of any conversation with me. This leads me to over think what she said and how she said it. Over analyzing the fuck out of it, until I have carefully deconstructed her entire conversation to me. Unapproachable, So I walk around here feeling like I dying inside just being around so many people and they assume I think I am better then them or something. "Business-y" what the hell is that even, do I dress like I work at the library and have reading glasses- They never even saw me with them- I don't carry a briefcase with me or drive with logos on my car. Business-y = Bitch The beauty in her statements, they at some point have talked about me, but it wasn't because I had a full on panic attack! They don't see the what I had exposed prior to making a effort to change how others saw me. So in a way it worked but now it seems like I come off as a take no prisoners business woman that still keeps people at a distance, so I think it is working.