Children keep you young” is quite possibly the biggest lie told to parents in the history of parenthood. Right up there with beating with leather belts will somehow discipline them in a good way! Fi…

Children keep you young” is quite possibly the biggest lie told to parents in the history of parenthood. Right up there with beating with leather belts will somehow discipline them in a good way!

First, the facts. Carrying a child, sucks out all of your nutrients, leeches your gums, ruins your breasts, mottles your once lovely skin tone and adds a layer of fat to your stomach that simply will never go away unless, of course, you go the surgical route.

On a mental health level, there is the constant moment to moment worry regarding their well-being, speed drives to the hospital, sleep deprivation, hair-pulling over the smallest of incident, “She seems so quiet today. There must be something wrong!”, or “why is she crying so much, she never cries! It must be a rare disease!" Then, all the restraint one must muster as to not lose every friend they have by screaming continuous anxiety and stress … stress which in fact ages every part of you.

Was this ridiculous quote for the parents that thought, oh say a whoopee cushion; what a blast! or I get to go to Disneyland again, YAY or, another opportunity to visit the Ecoli infested Water Park, or perhaps the constant trips to the smelly beach where I can’t wear my bathing suit, carry 4 bags of kid stuff (sun screen, shovel, extra clothes, barbies, etc.) Can someone tell me where the fun is in that??

I hated all of those place as a childless person. And as time goes on, there is the homework you end up doing so your child stands a chance to get into a better school, so then you have to endure elementary school all over again. What a fucking blast. Then the god-awful helicopter school parents you are forced to interact with.

For example, Dina, “So far I have wracked up 25 hours in community service, serve hot lunches and have recently become a room parent! Plus I am on the volunteer committee to collect “donations”. I knew there was a reason I hated her.

“How are you participating?” she inquires.

“I drop them off.”

The parents at school have never liked me, which is fine. It’s a forced situation, people I would not deal with in the real world. But then this: “You do realize these people become your social life.”

I really thought this woman was insane. Sadly so. I had plenty of friends, by my choice. Then:

“Yunno, all I ever wanted in this life is this, my kids in a great school and a new Volvo,” she adds whistfully.
I never spoke to her again. In fact I was aging by minute just standing next to her.

Interestingly according to a study done by the BBC:
Regular sex "can take years off your looks," this coming from a scientist. This made some sense to me.

“Couples who have sex at least three times a week look more than 10 years younger than the average adult who makes love twice a week,” claims consultant neuro-psychologist Dr David Weeks, who has made a 10-year study of the subject. But then he blew it.

His article showed this picture of Goldie Hawn! WTF? How many facelifts has she had? Daily trainers, chefs, nannies, etc. It’s absurd. I personally love her, but come on! There were other wealthy celebrities as well on his page, but you get the idea.

Further Dr. Weeks, said twice a week!! Clearly Dr. Weeks, you have no children.

"Pleasure derived from sex is a crucial factor in preserving youth. It makes us happy and produces chemicals telling us so," he goes on.

Does Goldie Hawn prove his theory? What does he know what she does with her husband? Most likely she spends more time with her surgeon, and again, I love her.

Dr. Weeks said these sex-happy couples make more of an effort to keep themselves in good shape for their partners and will also benefit from the physical and emotional effects of sexual intercourse.

Again, hilarity ensues.They may be sex-happy, but what I have noticed, most married couples, after a few years and a couple kids later, that concept is no longer a priority. So, most couples learn to accept the beer belly, the lack of teeth whitening, the once regular exercise routine, the monthly facials, the waxing. For some of us gals, we had to cut back on spa visitations all together. The recession has made this even worse; for my part, because I don’t cook, I order in. So my kids get pasta. A lot of it. So I can keep myself, well, myself. I do have my priorities.

"There are physiological factors too," continues Dr. Weeks.

"Sex is the most intense kind of pleasure and that triggers certain chemicals. In women it produces a human growth hormone which helps the process." I loved this comment. Send over that guy from Twilight and we’re all set.

“Regular, loving sex came second to physical and mental activity as the factors most important to retaining youth.”

This guy Weeks was really starting to piss me off. I had this feeling he wasn’t getting any! In fact, most likely sitting in his small, stuffy, lab all day, I imagined him, pasty white, chubby, bald and not someone I would take “down town.”

Yet he goes on:

“The research discovered that people can benefit from being with younger partners.” I also like this. Again, send over the vampire.

The study also concluded that people who look younger are more altruistic, confident and have more intellectual activity.

Okay, I am extremely altruistic and would be more so if it weren’t for the damn kids taking up all my time. I have a shit load of confidence, (have no idea why really) and my brain is wired as such that if I don’t use my brain, I will put a bullet in it.

Who is this guy?!

He adds this asinine tidbit, “The biggest factors contributing to ageing were found to be smoking, exposure to the sun and stress.”

Now how very enlightening. Who the hell doesn’t already know that!? So regular sex keeps you young, and even younger if your partner is younger than you and HOT, but with kids, that ain’t going happen. Who doesn’t already know about sun exposure and again, the stress! I meditate and still have it! Only followed by doing work you love and socializing. Oh sure, right on it. I do most of my work behind locked doors while the kids pound away. And regarding the socializing, that would be called the “Saturday date night” which, in my circle, almost always never happens. Thank god for my fabulous cluster of female pals.

Here is a woman prior to getting married, having lots of hot sex, a relatively stress free life doing the things she loves to do and using her brain.

Now, married, 3 kids later and no longer able to get work, this is her today.

For a woman to feel sexy she has to know she looks HOT. Otherwise, all bets off. Not to mention, most moms I now would rather go to bed and sleep.

So, I really wish people, and by that I mean, PARENTS, because they know it’s true and need to lie, would stop saying, “Aren’t kids wonderful? They keep you so young.”

I typically respond, “Why, are you having a lot of sex? An affair perhaps? Chugging the HGH?” When a newish mom makes this comment, and she still looks pretty good, I try not to roll my eyes; but instead nod politely, “Oh yes, they have taken years off. I’m actually 112.It’s magical

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