Cultivate Theme

Now forgive me for the awful things your about to read. You may wonder, Where the heck my mother was while all these things were going on.. Well, my mom was a hard worker, She wasn’t a single mom, she had to work 2 jobs most of the time while my step father was a farmer working dusk till dawn. Farming wasn’t a very lucrative paying job. We didn’t live like kings and queens by any means. Mom left in my brothers charge quite often. So now your getting the Jest.. 

Mom was not aware of allot of what happened in my child hood, she did the best she could with what she had, and besides the fact that my brothers would threaten me within an inch of my life If I were to tell on them. SO. In fact I dealt with my punishment of having these things handed to me at no choice or decision of mine. I assumed they were lessons that I was meant to learn in life and assumed some time in my life I will sit back and figure it all out.

Needless to say. I’m still waiting for the “Reason” to him me. Meanwhile, I am still paying the price..  So I ask myself.. If I was given a Do-Over.. Would I take it?

Oh.. Yes.. I would..  Even if it meant to NOT learn the lesson I was meant to learn.. Because I believe that Surely there has be a less painful way to learn these lessons in life.  

Here are just a few of the things I would Change: Memories that I can actually recall (in NO particular order) keep in mind some of these things are hard to hear.

  • I would go back and listen to my gut when it told me not to jump onto the hood of that car that my brother tied to the back of his car and told me was just like riding on a sled, and to just hold on. Then maybe I could tell my kids today that I really haven’t done anything stupid in my life.
  • I would have let my cousin’s go first down the hill when we went sledding in the snow, so that when I went down the hill, they wouldn’t have landed on top of me, all 300 lbs a piece of them onto all 90 lbs of me..
  • I would NEVER have taken that cigarette from my brother when I was 13, and would have called his bluff when he told me I would get in trouble from our mother if I told on him for smoking just because I tried a cigarette and it made me sick. Because quite honestly if I had thought of it. Had I told her that I tried it and it made me sick. She would have told me GOOD and not to touch them again. Instead, My brother ended up getting me hooked on them.
  • I never would have Tried ANYTHING else either. It was NOT worth it in the long run. If I hadn’t have smoked marijuana or drank alcohol and decided to like it, then I never would have been raped when I was 24. Those kinds of mistakes you can’t take back and you never forget, sometimes you never recover from. I am lucky to have recovered from it enough to have a great relationship now, but it took well over 15 yrs to get there.
  • I wouldn’t have allowed my cousin whom at the time was 15 years older than me, to convince me to tie a rope around my waste, climb onto the roof of my family home and then tie the same rope around the chimney of my home, remove the rope from my body and then slide down to the ladder and climb down.. Because he was afraid of heights. I was 12 yrs old and very afraid of heights too but I was more afraid of Him.
  • I wouldn’t have allowed my brother to try to throw me over his shoulder in the swimming pool when I was 12, resulting in knocking the wind out of me, pocking my spine, eventually resulting in my scoliosis today and The above accidents, and several other child hood accidents and car accident causing pre-mature arthritis in my back and hip before the age of 30.
  • I really would have waited until I was married to have sex had I been Just a little better educated. This was the schools fault in my opinion. My mom wasn’t sure how to approach me about either.. Someone should have had more information to educate me. I Know to make sure my daughter has proper education so that it won’t happen to her.
  • I wouldn’t have taken that drink, that in turn allowed me to ignore my girlfriend taking a drink and in turn allowing her to get behind the wheel of her car, in turn causing the wreck that nearly killed me, causing a crack in my vertebrae in my neck that almost went all the way through it, 20 yrs down the road I now suffer from daily chronic head aches and weekly migraines. This accident was likely the cause.
  • I never would have trusted my first ex husband when I let him have my son in order to let me get back on my feet after our divorce. He lied to me and took custody of my son and I had to fight to get him back. I lost him for 9 months and went through H#*** to get him back. I did get him back though and raised him, and he turned out to join the Army and be a wonderful man.. So I may not want to change this one…


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