I waited my whole life to become an adult, not so I could drink, or get married, or drive fast cars, or to dye my hair blonde (actually I did…it was bad), no, not for any of those reasons. I wanted more than anything to be an adult, so I could eat cake for breakfast.
Truth be told, I want whatever is most fattening and atery-clogging in the morning with my cup of coffee. I mean, doesn’t that make the most sense anyway? I starve myself all night, so I can sleep, right? Shouldn’t I reward myself with a huge slab of chocolate cake and a latte the minute I get up?
This also “sort of” works for me in the um, “dieting” department. If I get up and eat half the cake I made the night before, I am much more apt to work out later, or grab that apple I should eat. But, if I lay around all day, shirk all the fruits and veggies and THEN eat cake at like 8pm then, sheesh…why even try?
So, here I am. I am an adult, ready to enjoy my morning cake and coffee like I have for so many of my adult years. Life is amazing! Then…
Oh yeah, I now have kids. And the kids are awake. And they are hungry...
Now, the good mommy that I am, I do NOT feed my children chocolate cake for breakfast! There are many reasons for this:
1. They engage in a perpetual aerobic routine by zipping around at velocities modern science can’t record, WITHOUT the consumption of sugar. No need to start the day with a boost...
2. I care terribly about what people think of my mothering skills, so if my kids run around, telling people I feed them cake for breakfast, they might be taken away, or at the very least their friends will be jealous.
3. Ya know, I can’t really think of any other reasons. I just don’t let them eat cake.
Bill Cosby let his kids eat chocolate cake for breakfast, he also called them “brain-damaged” (back in the 70's you could do and say anything). See? Before 10am, they just don’t eat cake!!
So anyway, the kids come barreling down the stairs and I have my cake sitting next to my coffee. Conversation goes something like this:
"What's that mom?"
"What? Nothing. That's...nothing."
"Is that cake?"
"What? Cake? No, I mean, yeah well, no that's...that's...yeah that's cake."
“Mom, can we have cake?”
“But you’re eating cake!!”
“No, I’m not, I’m just…I’m not.” (I put the cake away)
Now I can’t eat my cake!! This is worse than being a kid! What? Wait…
So with this, I realize I must strategically plan my early morning cake eating. It must be well thought-out, pre-mediated, conniving, brilliant, and stealthy, because when it comes to cake or sleep, cake trumps sleep.
Take careful note all you cake eaters, for this is how it needs to be done:
1. Get up earlier than your kids and shove the cake down your throat.
There. Easy, right?
Now, let me go eat my cake…