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Private Education: They better offer wine at PTA meetings

Apparently, you need to donate an organ or three to pay for this sh*t.

A friend of mine sent me a picture of her daughter’s tuition costs for the year – school year that is, and all I gotta say is what in the actual f*ck do these 5 year-olds get for five grand a year? Gold crayons? Plasma TVs? Personal hologram teachers? Does this also guarantee no pregnancies prior to marriage? Does it include room and board for the summer months too? They better use some teaching method I’ve never heard of and there better be wine at PTA meetings. FYI, I just learned what ‘PTA’ meant like last year.

Growing up in a small town and attending a public school, I didn’t know the first thing about private schools except that you had to pay a f*ck ton of money to attend them and they usually dominated their district in sports. They always did have the nicest shit, though, like freshly painted hallways and soft warm pretzels at the concession stands, but I just don’t understand the hype. We’ve been looking at the schools in our area for our soonish-to-be kindergartener in hopes that at least one of them won’t sit him in front of a TV all day and will show him what a book looks like because the books in our house aren’t even full books anymore. I seriously thought I was raising tasmanian devils for awhile. After searching, I think a nice ‘lil public school will do juuuuuust fine. I mean, their websites had cool pics and bright colors, so why not? 🤷‍♀️

#sperrysforlife #yachtlife

Honestly, just the stigma that comes with private schools is enough to turn anyone away. It’s a pretty common belief that private school kids are a bunch of uppity snobs. Even though there is about a 99% chance that over half of those kids are getting BMWs for their 12th birthday.

Along with the pressure of practicing religion even if you’re not religious, but I’ll save that for another day.

Now, I’m sure there’s a shit ton of proven research for why private schools are better than public and I’m sure they have really great things to offer like smaller class sizes and more individualized attention, in which case you could send them to a small public school. There’s a church next door and your kid’s history teacher is probably his football coach too. #blessed

They also probably offer Chick-Fil-A nuggets rather than frozen nuggets, but I’d rather my kid have a teacher who I can get drunk with on the weekends and talk about how much of an a**hole he is. That way, I can just get a quick text during the day saying that he karate kicked another kid in the nuts and yelled ‘PENIS!’ rather than some professional your-kid-needs-Jesus-please-come-get-him phone call.

For real though, you enter the 6th grade and you’re bombarded with college applications. That’s cool and all, but your kid probably hasn’t even hit puberty yet. He has bigger issues to worry about. I want my kids to enjoy their school years just as much as I did; stress-free and simple.

I could care less where you send your kids to school because no matter where they go, two plus two is still four and Romeo and Juliet still die at the end.

Don’t worry, I’ll still come to your kids’ sporting events, birthday parties and Oscar ceremonies. Only for the soft warm pretzels, though.

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