I told you from the start I want to be honest and real. In part I am inspired by people in the public eye shedding a light on the struggles that they had/have with post partum depression. Hayden Panettiere, a child actress that rose to fame in front of all of our eyes, recently gave birth to a baby girl. She just announced that she was going in for treatment for post partum depression. She amongst others are shedding the stigma and helping women world wide talk about what in the past has been a very painful and sometimes very private battle.
I wasn't fooling myself to thinking that my father's death wouldn't have a profound effect on my mental health. Even before I was pregnant I had anxiety and some new on-set of depression. I lost him so quickly I didn't know how to cope or come to terms and don't think that I have till this day. Being pregnant didn't help. As stated in prior posts I was sad during my pregnancy. I was haunted by the many what ifs life presented itself.
Today, about 7 weeks post-birth, I think I have to become truthful with myself and you. This isn't just the baby blues. I think, no I know I have post-partum depression. My anxiety is ten fold what it was pre-birth and definitely pre-pregnancy. My depression/sadness is profound. Some days its easier to just to be locked in. Easier not to deal. I have both my mom and his parents wanting to come over all the time to see baby but some days it is just easier to be alone. Don't get me wrong. I love taking care of my daughter and she is my priority. But its easier not to have to put on a show for the rest of the world. Put on that smile that everyone has come accustomed to and pretend that I am still the same person I was before. But its also harder saying no to everyone. Saying no to my mother who has looked forward to this since I was born and definitely needed a bright light in her life since my dad's passing. Or his parents who want to spend time with their grandchild. Or my husband who wants his parents to have a relationship with our daughter. At my core I am a people pleaser and most of the time overlook my own needs to make those around me happy. I put their feelings in front of mine. I inherited that from my father. He always taught me to do right by others. It takes a lot for me to cut a relationship. Usually end up blaming myself wether it was my fault or not.
But back to today and my revelation. I know I am not myself. I know I need some help. My anxiety forces me to sit at home. I start going crazy at the thought of leaving the house with her. I need some help in order to get back to who I used to be. I dont know if thats possible and I want to be realistic that I may never be the same woman. My poor husband has to deal with my short temper and a thousand variant of my emotions. One minute I am happy as a clam. The next I am crying uncontrollably. Its a miracle he hasn't committed me yet.
I love my daughter don't get me wrong. She is my everything and I am absolutely obsessed with her and her wellbeing is my utmost priority. But I cant help sometimes look at her and for just a second have a tinge of regret. I wouldn't feel this way, drowning with no one to save me, if it weren't for her. This may shock you. You may judge me. Go ahead. But I am just being honest here. That twinge, the second, only lasts a second, and her smile brings me back. This is worth it. She is worth it. I just have to work through it.
I am writing this today not only to have a cathartic experience by exposing myself but also to maybe let me you know that you are not alone. I felt like I was alone this whole time. That no one could possibly understand what this veil over your face feels like. But thats ok. If you feel "off" or "blue" its ok. You will be ok. Ask for help if you need it. Dont ever be ashamed.
You and I will be okay.